Stop for a moment to hear my sad tale
I try to succeed but I'm programmed to fail
I tell you that I won't take the blame,
It seems my excuse is pretty lame:
My body parts keep doin' wrong!

I'm down at the station, and charged with assault
I told the policeman it wasn't my fault...
It's not like I live a life of crime
But maybe I'll soon be doin' time
Hey, please don't throw me in pri-son!!

Because I've got a bad leg
In fact, I've got two
These criminal limbs do what they wanna do!
I saw this big jerk
My legs, they moved fast
The next thing I knew, they were kickin' his ass!
My nasty, bad legs
That just wouldn't stop
Decided to freeze when patrol cars turned up
I got a bad leg...
(And) another bad leg

A long "orange jumpsuit holiday",
Because all my organs misbehave
I think it's time I tell ya more...

I've got a bad mouth
That likes smokin' dope
My fingers are bad: prostitutes, they will grope
You need to know why
I'm constantly broke
I've got a bad nose, so I plug it with coke
I've got a bad hand
The right, not the left
It hangs from my wrist while partaking in theft
I'm in a bad way!
(oooooh...I've been betrayed)

Sometimes my brain'll try hard to think
But it always gets things wrong
Add booze to the equation, and soon
I could be pissin' on your lawn
While readin' porn...yeah!

I watch what I eat, exercise and sleep well
So why oh why
Does my bad anatomy put me through hell?

Yeah, I've got a bad ear
That's why I ignore
Commands issued by the long arm of the law
I've got a bad knee
It's full of great wrath
Make sure that your groin doesn't get in its path
My rotten, bad feet
They make me take flight
To womens' bedroom windows each night
I'm sorry I spy...
I've got a bad eye