Not sure it's meat, I'm wonderin' what
This stuff really is at all
And why that goop always surrounds it
That makes no sense at all
Is it to eat, cause I use it like clay
Shape the stuff into a ball
It reminds me, it sure ain't ham, it sure ain't ham

Not sure it's meat, I'm wonderin' what
This stuff really is at all
And why that goop always surrounds it
That makes no sense at all
Is it to eat, cause I use it like clay
Shape the stuff into a ball
It reminds me, it sure ain't ham, it sure ain't ham

Dear Hormel, just bought my first Spam ever yesterday
Only took five seconds, then the can was history
Even though it seemed like the ingredients were a mystery
So, tell me, how do you make it anyway?
I suppose you could've done it differently
So, what is it, cows, pigs or chickens?
I haven't been this confused since I first heard of chitlins
This has been bothering me...guess what I'm doing?
I'm having that goop in the can analyzed
I'm no Albert Einstein, but I think you realized
And it sure seems really strange, it's good as paste
Bet you hear this everyday, but what goes into Spam?
And why does that goop always surround it in the can?
It tastes good, but what is it? C'mon, man!
Look, this is just really bothering me, please write back.
I need to know, before I fade to black!
Just need to know, what the heck's in Spam?
Tell me, man!

Not sure it's meat, I'm wonderin' what
This stuff really is at all
And why that goop always surrounds it
That makes no sense at all
Is it to eat, cause I use it like clay
Shape the stuff into a ball
It reminds me, it sure ain't ham, it sure ain't ham

Dear Hormel, still haven't given any sort of answer, buddy?
What do you think, that I'm some kind of dummy?
It's not like I'm asking for a lifetime supply
Or a recipe for Spam pot pie, I don't even own an oven!
What goes in that stuff? I just want an answer!
What are the ingredients, can they give me cancer?!
That goop surrounding it reminds me of toe cheese
I don't even know why these stains appeared on my knees
I remember being able to throw the stuff down with ease
But now all of a sudden I can't stop throwing up
And every time I even LOOK at Spam, it's way more than enough!
So please just give me answers, and pay my doctor's bill up front
Y'know, I really used to respect you.
Now I just hope that your lawyers can protect you
From this lawsuit I'm filing, for the equivalent of 10 years' salary
Cause all of a sudden, all I can eat is celery!
Stomach makin' funny noises and vomiting every five seconds
I think it's cause of Spam that I just can't stop retching
You'll owe me alot of cash the way I see it
Or you can just tell me your ingredients!
And now I'm wondering if I'll ever have a normal stomach again
Or if it'll always be this way until the moment that my life ends!
Sickly yours, Stan Q.
PS I'm suing the grocery store too!

Not sure it's meat, I'm wonderin' what
This stuff really is at all
And why that goop always surrounds it
That makes no sense at all
Is it to eat, cause I use it like clay
Shape the stuff into a ball
It reminds me, it sure ain't ham, it sure ain't ham

(Screaming:)
Dear Hormel, I'm sending you this video!
Here on your TVs screaming at you in Stereo!
All because of Spam, guess I should have checked the expiration date!
But I'm still suin' ya, bet you can't even wait!
See these? These are illegal firecrackers!
And I'm standing right here, outside your corporate headquarters!
Pretty soon, this whole place is blowing up!
All because you made Spam, and I couldn't stop the throwing up!
Y'know you could've avoided seeing this!
If you had just gone and told me the ingredients!
So let's face it, I think the end is near!
If I've gotta live like this, you're gonna live in fear!
Right now I'm gonna make this clear!
It's too late now, I'm gonna light these right here!
So let's face it, Hormel, you screwed up your own lives
Wish you had a chance to say "I love you" to your wives!
So right now, the answer's coming soon
Tomorrow it won't matter,cause you'll be strewn like so much wrreckage!
I just wish I could've caught a peek at your ingredient records!
5,4,3,2,1! Oh no, you might be so surly.
But I think I just lit these things too early!
(End Screaming)

(BOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!!!!!)

Not sure it's meat, I'm wonderin' what
This stuff really is at all
And why that goop always surrounds it
That makes no sense at all
Is it to eat, cause I use it like clay
Shape the stuff into a ball
It reminds me, it sure ain't ham, it sure ain't ham

Dear Sir, we apologize, but we couldn't watch your video
And I think it should be clear, all the office has is radio.
And as for Spam's ingredients
It's a company secret, I hope you can see to it.
That we coldn't tell you, even if we wanted to.
It's not something that we're trying to have flaunted, though.
Please accept this year's supply of products.
Simply put, your letters reek of oddness.
Claiming to have never known which animal it came from
Havebn't you rever seen a wild Spammalo roam?
We're sorry for outr lateness but some guy just tried to blow up our headquarters
With a bunch of illegal firecrackers
Killed himself, wasn't a thing Security could do.
Didn't know his name, but his description was...
Wait a second...it was you.