Superman: Have you heard of these Marvels?

Batman: Yes, and we don't stand a chance there.

Flash: Why not?

Martian Manhunter: Because this universe is an amazing place, filled with heroes with realistic problems, heroes who have to break dates because they're out fighting some villain.
They are different heroes, struggling just to survive, heroes hated and feared by those they seek to protect. We don't have a chance.

Superman: But why?

Batman: Well, let me put it like this

In any comic book
If you want to be pristine
Big sales depend upon
The heroes in your team
So listen, Superman
For I know your hearing's keen
We won't succeed at Marvel
If we don't have Wolverine

You may have the squarest jawline
And the grimmest storylines
You may keep your uniform all nice and clean
You may fight and you may plan
But I'm sorry, Superman
It's the comic version of breathing in chlorine

Other Leaguers: >choke<

Batman:
You may have demi-gods galore
That the heroines adore
You may even have a man who's half machine
(Leaguers make mechanical noises)
Though you've aliens and strangers
And you can see far ranges
I tell you, it's a danger
If you don't have Wolverine

They won't care if it's witty
Or your artist draws girls pretty
They'll simply get all gritty and get steamed
That'll be the slogan
If no Logan, then no go, man
He seems to be addictive just like morphine

Make the hot book list in Wizard
Kill someone and wear their gizzard
You may even have a sidekick who's a teen

Robin: Duuude!

Batman:
But the readers just won't care
Just as long as you don't dare
To launch a new team-up book

Superman:
If we don't have Wolverine

Batman:
You may control the lightning
Or have lots of gory fighting
You may even make sure kids eat their protein
Our heroes aren't schlubs
But we never get to say "Bub"
And those undies on the outside just demean

So despite the cape and cowl
Animal sidekicks like an owl
And artwork that's bordering on obscene
You may have fights mano e mano
You may be drenched in sorrow
But they will not give a damn-o
If you don't have Wolverine

You may fill your teams with gays
You may set yourself ablaze

X-Women:
You may even fight over someone named Jean

Batman and Leaguers:
Your book will be unseen
If you don't have Wolverine
All your investments go down the latrine

Batman:
There's a small group who wouldn't
Buy a comic with a mutant
I hate this, but I really must come clean

All:
Never mind your rival
You just won't succeed at Marvel
You just don't succeed at Marvel if you don't have Wolverine

Batman:
To get along at Marvel
To be the man at Marvel
To hit the top at Marvel and make green
I tell you, Man of Steel, unfortunately, it's real
There simply must be, Superman, trust me
Must be Wolverine