Whale-like weight when I’m done in shame
Thanksgiving Day it’s food I crave
All year has been a diet so I can scarf stuffing
Your festive buffet better be big
My stomach’s full but I’ll still eat
A yearly luncheon riot
For this seventh helping pig!

Yeah, I’ll open wide for some pumpkin pie
A few slices with whipped topping
Tummy is quite over-stuffed
But that won’t get me stopping
So pass the mashed potatoes
And that saucer of gravy
Cause spoonfuls I’ll be heaping
Next to the pieces of turkey!

Stomach’s jammed with rolls and jam
But there’s always room for dessert
My relatives are getting pissed
By my lack of table manners
Although my mouth is slobbering
And speak with my mouth full
I should get a freaking ribbon for polishing three bowls!

Poultry’s afraid cause it’s Turkey Day
And I’ll send them to their birdie graves!
Thankful for what’s provided except for the burnt lima beans
Won’t be called names like “stick” or “twig”
Pants button popped but still I eat
Canned cranberries hit my palate
I’m a seventh helping pig!
Tomorrow I’ll do pilates
Now a seventh helping pig!

Family is all good and fine
But to me it doesn’t matter
As long as there is turkey sliced
We’re far from a disaster
Hunger fills my deep black hole
Which you can call my gut
You brought hotdogs? You’re stupid!
What’s next some Pizza Hut?

Chewing a leg while I’m gravy stained
While my grandmother scolds “Behave!”
My mom and dad are frightened as I pile on more peas
This boxed wine case is what I’ll swig
But Uncle Mike’s more drunk than me
Since it’s running low I’ll lament
I’m a seventh helping pig
Done with everything’s my torment
I’m a seventh helping pig

Because I swallowed that ham whole
We’re down to just the bones!
Need some fitness help
To slim down my hips
My bathroom scale will bust I’m sure!

Baking pans have dried nothing left behind
Or I would still be feeding
Won’t touch the trout or brussle sprouts
They’re far from being greasy
My girlfriend’s so embarrassed
By the way I made a scene
I’m covered with the remnants
Of what was Thanksgiving

Drink no milkshakes in truck stop cafes
And to McDonald’s I’m no slave
But one day I am a monster and that day is Thanksgiving
I’m a health nut who just eats figs
Won’t drink Red Bull, I’ll just sip tea
The last Thursday of November
I’m a seventh helping pig!

Sweet potatoes straight from the pan
Cause “Frankly I don’t give a yam!”
Happy those pilgrims feasted back in 1863
They donned their goofy powdered wigs
And ate their fill with Cherokees
Don’t come near me with that salmon
I’m a seventh helping pig!
I will gorge myself with turkey
I’m a seventh helping pig!
With tryptophan I’m napping
I’m a seventh helping pig!!!