SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE

MPs

Mr barman please
Let’s have refills in all these.
What’s the special of the day?

(Barman enters with a tray full of pints)
Turnbull

OK you lot
Listen up to what I’ve got
Since I am the Speaker.

MPs

Never mind that bum!
Barman, over here!

Turnbull

(to himself) Calling me a bum!
(to the MPs) Gentlemen, please!

MPs

This here beer it tastes like piss
It’s the same thing every day.
The Speaker over there
Comes each day on the tube
Starting off at Waterloo.
Gets here, they say
Having fought his way through
Caught in rush hour all the way.
Fighting through the crowds,
Squashed in very tight
Suffering each morning
And the same at night.
He makes it here on time
Just as Big Ben chimes.

Turnbull

My, what a lot
The din that they all make.
All go to pot, no doubt they’re on the take.
Parties galore
Spend their time in the bar,
Driving off drunk in their car.
Then send in their claims
For expenses spent on their dames!

MPs

This beer is rough
And if that’s not enough
Can’t afford the prices here.
Call it light ale!
Very flat and very stale.
This is going to cost him dear
Barman over here!
Where’s he gone to now?
I can’t drink this muck!
Perhaps I’ll have a glass of wine
A large one, before I have to go and see that swine.
(The Speaker greets a new MP)

Turnbull

Come in, madam
Pull up a chair
And have a drink.
There’s no need to stare,
They often wink,
None of them good
Don’t give a stink!
And cheat if they could.
Rarely will you find
Someone who is kind,
A man who knows he can
Help you to unwind…
Speaker of the House
Charming as can be
Ready with a welcome
Here as you can see.
Full of self-respect
Known throughout the land
Members here appreciate a good strong hand.
Don’t do anyone no favour
Though they think it’s just a game
In power or opposition
Everyone is treated just the same!

Speaker of the House
Try to keep some poise
Ready to eject them
If they make a noise.
Loonies on the Left
Loonies on the Right
Picking any reason
Just to start a fight.
Everybody loves a barney
Everybody loves to shout.
I bring them all to order
Lord! I know they know what I’m about!

Turnbull & MPs

Speaker of the House
Always on the ball
Never lets a member speak
Unless he’s called.
Sometimes he is slick
Sometimes round the bend;
Curious and spurious
But still a friend.
Nobody would want another
Nobody would swop their shirts

Turnbull

But if you’re out of order
Lord! I’ll go and kick you where it hurts!
(To another new MP)
Please come in sir
Take off your coat.
Listen to me
And kindly take note.
This bar looks fun
But don’t be fooled
The beer is warm
The wine isn’t cooled.
Here the cook is goosed!
She’s rather fat you see
She’s nothing if not loose
Not the type for me!
Food is pretty dear,
Careful with the course.
Think you’re eating beef when
It could well be horse!
Take a tip from me
Never have the soup;
Simmering for ages and
It tastes like poop!
Diners here are rarely happy
Think they’re taken for a ride.
Terribly high charges
Even more for something on the side.

Menus all the same
Always very tame,
Chefs, they have a laugh, to them it’s all a game!
Meat is always cold
Salad always hot
Having to be putting up with what you’ve got.
When they come to ask for payment
Be advised to check the slip.
Verify the order
Can you still afford it?
Lord! I wouldn’t bother with a tip!

Turnbull & MPs

Speaker of the House
Always on the ball
Never lets a member speak
Unless he’s called.
Sometimes he is slick
Sometimes round the bend
Curious and spurious
But still a friend.
Everybody loves a barney
Everybody loves to shout

Turnbull

If they’re out of order
Lord! I give no quarter and they’re out!

Disgruntled MP

I lived in hope
That I could take his place.
This lord almighty
Like to punch him in the face.
Speaker of the House?
Always on my wick!
Thinks he’s something special but
He makes me sick!
Hasn’t got a brain
Been here far too long
Often wonder if he
Knows his right from wrong.
Never makes a sound decision
Saddled with a little mouse.
Couldn’t be much weaker
How I hate this speaker of the House!

Turnbull & MPs

Speaker of the House!

Disgruntled MP

Speaks a load of yap!

The Speaker and MPs

Curious and spurious

Disgruntled MP

Huh, it’s all just crap!

Turnbull and MPs

Tries to help the Left
Tries to help the Right

Disgruntled MP

Never helps a bugger
And he’s always tight!

Turnbull and MPs

Everybody loves the Speaker
Why should anybody grouse?

Turnbull

Everybody tip your hat

Disgruntled MP

Even though he’s such a prat!

All

Everybody tip your hat to the Speaker of the House!