[Dr. Evil:]
I was real evil from the day I left school
But when my hair fell out I felt so uncool
I'd sit and drink my Starbucks coffee all day
With big plans of foiling Austin someday

My parents told me what evil was about
So take heed Scotty-- yo dude, hear me out!
Your pattern baldness is making people stare
So you should get a nair kit, or grow some new hair

Get a nair kit, or grow some new hair
It might look better even with nothing there
Just look at Tyson, his shaved head adds a flair
Why don't you get a nair kit, or grow some new hair

[Scott:]
I even tried that whole hairpiece scene
I told myself that it was all a bad dream
I'm much too young to be a baldy like Grover
I'll keep these few red strands and get a combover

I know Frau Farbissina is your number one fan
And that little MiniMi is part of your clan
But if those freaks are laughing 'cuz I'm bald and lack class
Then they can kiss something that rhymes with "bass"

Get a hairpiece, or get a real wig
I hate to say it but you're being a pig
Your clothes are dorky and your ears are too big
Why don't you--get a toupee and get a real wig
Get a real wig, why don't you get a real wig
Get a real wig, why don't you get a real wig

[Dr. Evil]
I hit the big time with my new evil clan
Goldmember was more evil than I'd ever planned
I think you need to learn a few things from me
So zip it, listen, son, and the wig's on me

Get a nair kit, or grow some new hair
It might look better even with nothing there
Just look at Jordan, his shaved head adds a flair
Why don't you get a nair kit, or grow some new hair