Recently, i've been a bit lazy,
spending all day in front of the telly,
and i've notices that i've gained a couple of stones.
Every night i'm downing pints at the pub,
coming home and raiding the fridge for some grub,
i'm getting worried 'cos my belly's making funny groans.

I know i've not been doing alot of exercise (it's just too painful)
My mouth starts to drool when i see chicken pies, (mmm, mmm)

Whenever i try (to go on a diet)
I always fail (because i love chocolate)
I'm fat 'n' ugly (yeah, yeah)
I can't see my toes
Bananas taste like mud compared to beer.

Whatever it takes (i'm gonna lose a pound)
'Cos i'm fed up (fed up of being round)
Eat fruit 'n' veg (yeah, yeah)
I'll run twice a week
I'll look like i belong a cemetry.

Started off with a yoghurt for breakfast,
Then for dinner had a little bit of lettuce,
and at 8 a ceasar salad with a sausage roll.
After a while i looked a little bit better,
but i longed for a slice of pizza,
but i knew if i gave up i'd resemble a troll.

I've started to do more exercise (it's got less painful)
Now i can fit my hand around my thighs (ooh, ooh)

I have tried (to lose some weight)
Now i look (i look like Gareth Gates)
I'm thin 'n' lanky (yeah, yeah)
I can see my toes
I've started to fit through the door

Whenever i go (go into town)
I get some looks (from girls from all around)
but i've got a wife (yeah, yeah)
with a funny nose,
if i left her i'd have no money.

six months after my diet,
i've started to get cravings for fish n chips
and a mars bar (oh yeah) you know i really want a mars bar
My wife said if i ever eat again
She will leave and go right now (ooh, ooh)
but meats the only one for me
(baby, baby)

Now she's left (i eat what i want)
Now i look (i look like Rik Waller)
I'm fat n ugly (yeah, yeah)
I can't see my toes,
bananas taste like nothing compared to beer
(Repeat x 4)