I need to recruit all the old people.
All the retired old people.
We at war.
We at war with the emptiness and boredom in our lives, but most of all we at war with ourselves.
(Regis Talks)
If I got nothing to do all that I do is turn the TV on..
(Regis Talks to me) to me to me to me [fades]

You know who the best is?
I gotta confess this:
Regis Philbin rocks man, No need to protest it.
His shows are EITHER filled with a lesson
Or some guy in the hot seat whose blindly guessin.
I flip through the channels when I'm in a stressed fit.
When I had a problem, his talk show addressed it. Uhhhh!
I can't digest it. Uhhhhh!!! It's kinda hard.
Can't get over his humor and how he expressed it.
I've got so many questions, I'm practically obsessed and
While watching Millionaire, I can hardly suppress it.
Huh? Is that kinda weird? Well he's amazin'.
All those funny conversations that he is raisin'.
Last Saturday, I spent the day in my basement.
Watching him and Kelly, I just had to praise "em.
Well momma, I got nothing done.
I wasted a whole day, at least I have some fun whenever

(Regis Talks)
If I got nothing to do all that I do is turn the TV on.
(Regis Talks)
In hopes that my man Regis will make all my boredom be gone.
(Regis Talks)
When I watch his shows, I feel that nothing in the world can go wrong.
(Regis Talks)
I was once very weak, but his charm, has made me so strong.

(Repeat Chorus)

To Dr. Phil and Ellen, Jerry Springer with that yellin', even Mrs. Winfrey
To the physcos on there, who need much more health care, hell yah.
Now here me here me. Yes, I mean this austerely.
Your shows are even worse than books by Beverly Cleary.
Not nearly, as funny and great
As Regis and Kelly; there's not a single debate.
I aint here to rank on other shows features.
In fact Oprah's pretty cool; I'd like to meet her.
I'm just trying to say the way churches need preachers,
The way sci-fi needs creatures, that's how much I need Regis.
Deal or no Deal definitely needs it
So then he can stop those greedy dill weeds that,
Under the pressure they're starting to break
Even though it's only 25 grand that is at stake. Huh?
Well, I love it when somebody wins
On that final one where Regis just grins.
Goosebumps rising up from their skin.
And then they just start screaming out,
"Regis am I right?" Anxiety is steaming out

(Repeat Chorus)