The Lyrics

Nothing cramps a romantic weekend like coughing up your own lung...

Stay away from me, that's what you should do
Cause I'm gonna sneeze, and then I'll expose you
You'll catch the germ that's plaguing me

Holding hands with you, only not too tight
Got a cough, and I'm hacking all day and night
And you've got things that you should do

So there is no point in hounding
You wanna make out, but my head's pounding

You can't kiss me, whenever I've got the damn flu
And I just can't breathe whenever I've got the damn flu
It's so regrettable, it's a fact that we'll never get down to it
I'm sorry!
You can't kiss me, whenever I've got the damn flu

This is just the worst part of hooking up
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Who doesn't want to come too near you

There's an itch in my throat that I can't scratch
What a lousy time for this bug to catch
A nap would be so beautiful

Though I'm sick, I can't stop grinning
I took some Nyquil now my head's spinning

You can't kiss me, whenever I've got the damn flu
And I just can't breathe whenever I've got the damn flu
It's so regrettable, it's a fact that we'll never get down to it
I'm sorry!
You can't kiss me, whenever I've got the damn flu

Sick enough for me to start to wonder
When it's endin'
Not too sick for drugs to pull me under
Pain is growin'
All this pressure I can't control
I think I am dyin'

You can't kiss me, whenever I've got the damn flu
And I just can't breathe whenever I've got the damn flu

You can't kiss me, whenever I've got the damn flu
And I just can't breathe whenever I've got the damn flu
It's so regrettable, it's a fact that we'll never get down to it
I'm sorry!
You can't kiss me, whenever I've got the damn flu

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User Comments

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Johnny D - January 06, 2004 - Report this comment

DKTOS Arwen, but it looks like you put a lot of effort into this one - good work!

P.S. On my "We Will Shun You / We Are The Amish" parody today, you said "All 5's" but the vote count didn't change - did your vote register when you clicked it in? Just checking - thanks! JD

Adagio - January 06, 2004 - Report this comment

Hope you DON'T have the flu...achooo. Been wondering what you will write about now that LOTR is mainly gone. This is a good job.

Arwen - January 06, 2004 - Report this comment

Johnny...thanks for the comment...and please see my comments on your page...I DID vote...I've triple checked now. Adagio...thanks for the vote and your kind words! Two things...number one, I DO have the flu...it does suck...and I'm very annoyed with it. number two...the trilogy may be over...but don't be surprised to see more LOTR stuff coming out of my hat...it's an eternal itch that I will continue to scratch...=) Thanks again!!!

Rick D - January 06, 2004 - Report this comment

Arwen, have you read "Bored of the Rings" by the Harvard Lampoon. (Doug Kenny and Henry Beard) A must-read for all parodists.

Arwen - January 06, 2004 - Report this comment

Thanks for the suggestion, Rick. I've considered checking it out several times...but have never gotten around to it. I'll put it on my list of resolutions!

pickle - January 15, 2004 - Report this comment

My family all had colds through Christmas and New Year and it really sucked. Your parody doesn't!

Arwen - January 15, 2004 - Report this comment

Hooray! Thanks, Pickle...I hope everyone is all better now!

Spaff.com - January 19, 2004 - Report this comment

I'm arriving about a week late to Arwen Appreciation Week, but if you're like the rest of us, you don't mind late comments. Congrats on being the first person on the site to parody a Liz Phair song. I own and am a fan of her first three albums, but I'm ambivalent about her recent extreme makeover into a Top 40 pop tart. Still, "Why Can't I" is undeniably catchy and I gotta admit I've considered parodying it myself.

Oh, wait, were we talking about you? Nice job. And it isn't even about Middle Earthlings!

Paul Robinson - January 19, 2004 - Report this comment

Arwen, Sorry you've got the flu bug. This is the first year I got the flu shot and I didn't get the bug, even though many folks in my former work-place got it bad this time around. So it seems to work in case any of you are wondering out there. But you've put me in an awkward spot, Arwen, I happen to own this Liz Phair album but I CAN'T STAND IT. I liked her 1st album (which I only bought last year sometime) and thought I'd try this one. Jeez, she forgot to grow up anymore in the 10 years since "Exile in Guyville"! This album MIGHT work from someone + or - 18 or so, but Phair is 36 now. But since it's here it my stuff now I have to listen to this song again so I can vote on your parody. So after I do that I figure you owe me, although I'm not sure what. Seriously, take care and get better soon. Being sick sucks!!

Arwen - January 19, 2004 - Report this comment

Spaff, you're right...better late than never! Although aware of her, I've not really followed Liz ever...and when I heard "Why Can't I" on the radio, I was surprised that it was her. Thanks for the vote...and yes...I can write about non LOTR stuff...hehe.

Arwen - January 19, 2004 - Report this comment

And Paul...no need to worry...I've gotten over my flu plagued weekend...(I posted this a while ago, actually...) and i'm all better now. And I will NEVER get the flu shot no matter if it works or not, because in addition to being freakishly obsessive about weird things, terribly clumsy, and exceptionally short...I'm deathly afraid of needles. So...thanks, but not thanks...I'll take the flu. I DO appreciate the apparent pain and suffering you endured just to be able to vote on my song...wow...how honored am I? I will agree to "owing you one," although you'll have to just let me know exactly what that is. =) Thanks!!

Paul Robinson - January 20, 2004 - Report this comment

Arwen, Understand about the needles, YUK! But the flu shot wasn't really a big deal as far as needles go. My Doctor said: "Get a Flu Shot This Year, You Old Fart". And so this was my first flu shot ever (at least in my chronologically adult years). Now as far as the "apparent pain & suffering" of listening Ms. Phair's latest work, well, I haven't actually suffered it YET. So my vote has not been recorded yet. I'm gonna fish thru my CD's and find the Phairish one's latest album and locate "Why Can't I" to keep my word. Maybe there's a "Why Should I" parody in there somewhere...still don't know if I could do it. God, this was an AWFUL album!! I never made it all the way through once without having to just go "ENOUGH" and hit the "Stop/Eject" buttons. But one song...Hey, gonna do it now wth headphones and post your scores after I check it out. What you owe me? Oh........Hmmmm......Oh, Hell, just keep being yourself, OK? Deal? Spaff - good comment about the "Top 40 pop tart makeover", Phairly sums up my sentiments. OH...Phair's first album ("Exile in Guyville") was actually pretty good, WAY different from the latest - girl can play the guitar, for sure. Not everything on it worked for me (18 songs in all) but enough that I thought she had real talent and promise and she may still have that. Well, I've put off listening to that cut as long as I could by yammering on here, guess it's time to "face the music". (or maybe "hear the music" in this case)...Back to vote shortly...

Paul Robinson - January 20, 2004 - Report this comment

Arwen, Well, I've done my duty here AND voted, too. Jeez, I really made a big deal out of that, didn't I? Whatta WHINER, huh? Song wasn't THAT awful, I guess. Good parody. Still might change my mind on whether you owe me something or not. Have too much now, though...Gotta think about it s'more.

Suzie Cream Cheese - January 20, 2004 - Report this comment

Good one!

Arwen - January 20, 2004 - Report this comment

Thanks, Suzie!!! and of course...after all of this...thanks, Paul...for getting around to it.

Spaff.com - January 20, 2004 - Report this comment

Paul: Exile in Guyville was recently named to Rolling Stone's Top 500 Albums of All Time. Unfortunately, comparing the Liz Phair of that album to the Liz Phair of her latest is like comparing the Paul McCartney of Abbey Road to the Paul McCartney of Red Rose Speedway. She was on Leno last night - it's clear she's been lobotomized.

Paul Robinson - January 22, 2004 - Report this comment

Spaff - Sorry to hear confirmation of my opinion of the current Liz Phair because I believe she did at one time have something to say and a pretty distinct and interesting way of saying it. She's looking hot now but it appears the cost was rather high. At 36 she can't ride that wave for all that long, while a talented songwriter-artist can keep going, and going and going. But we've all got to make choices, I guess, and that was her's...too bad.

Punctuation police - March 09, 2004 - Report this comment

Paul: at the end of your last comment you put "her's"-- I gotta write you a ticket because that's wrong...it should be "hers." Read Phil Alexander's "A Few of the Difficult Bits" parody and you'll see that you are wrong.

EmiLoca - March 26, 2004 - Report this comment

Very, very nice. Much praise over here. This reminds me so much of my second date with my boyfriend, when he kept coughing and turning his head to the side just as...yeah. I guess that's why I find it so hilarious... Or maybe it's because it's an actual funny song! All 5's, for whatever reason.

Arwen - March 28, 2004 - Report this comment

Thanks so much, EmiLoca! It's easy to look back and laugh at it now...but at the time...there was no laughter. Too much hacking for laughter, I think...=)

Serafina - October 13, 2004 - Report this comment

Just dusting off another one of your older parodies...this one was great! And it sorta describes how I was feeling this past weekend...glad I don't have a cold anymore! (Yesterday I returned to work after being out since Thursday.)

Anyway, I think I should get back to work now.

Arwen - October 13, 2004 - Report this comment

Thanks so much, Serafina!!

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