Freshmen new to news biz
Got Shipley, the news whiz
Got back a news style quiz
"I hate life, screw all of this!"
Media whore Ellie fell right out of her chair
That poor girl, it's not her fault
Her paper shines with glare
From that old newsroom red pen of doom
Scratching out the weak verbs
Grading papers all night long
Papers written on
Like they're all wrong
And oh God!
Kill her dog, slap her grandma!
There outta be a law!
Get the AP on the phone!
Lord have mercy, how'd she even fit that writing on!
With that old newsroom red pen of doom

The media whore hates her
For grades that Shipley gave her
Constantly berates her
For working that red-slash-maker!
Working until 2
But I only got a C!
We hate to see that red
And would love to watch her bleed
From that old newsroom red pen of doom
Scratching out the weak verbs
Grading papers all night long
Papers written on
Like they're all wrong
And oh God!
Kill her dog, slap her grandma!
There outta be a law!
Get the AP on the phone!
Lord have mercy, how'd she even fit that writing on!
With that old newsroom red pen of doom

We don't care about the drinkin'
Or the football, or the band
Our hands, they start a shakin'
When she takes it in her hands
Drivin' all the newsies crazy
At blankness you'll rejoice!
Class, you better watch your grammar
And please don't use passive voice!

That old newsroom red pen of doom
Scratching out the weak verbs
Grading papers all night long
Papers written on
Like they're all wrong
And oh God!
Kill her dog, slap her grandma!
There outta be a law!
Get the AP on the phone!
Lord have mercy, how'd she even fit that writing on!
With that old newsroom red pen of doom

That old newsroom red pen of doom
Yeah, that old newsroom red pen of doom

(That's it, right there girls, that's why we do what we do
It ain't for the money, it ain't for the glory, it ain't for the press passes
It's for the red pen of doom.)