Way back when I was just a little bitty solver living in a jigsaw puzzle box
In the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from the HQ HQ
You know the place
Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just WELCOME!

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single day
My mother would make me watch every talk show until the Tonight Show

DAAAW.... BIG DAY OF TALK SHOWS!
Every single day!
It was driving me crazy!

I said to my mom
I said "Hey mom, what's up with all the talk shows?"
And my dear, sweet mother
She just looked at me like Johnny Carson looks at the camera
And she leaned right down next to me
And she said...
"IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!"
And then she tied me to a wall and forced my eyes wide open
And made me watch nothing but talk shows until I was 66 and a half years old

That's when I swore that someday
Someday I would get out of that cycle and watch stuff on a magical, far away place
Where Pat Sajak's always shining and the air smells like warm vowels
And the quiz shows are oh so tricky
Where Rich Dawson and Steve Harvey host their Family Feuds all day long
And any hour of the day you can watch a game show with your cable!

Wacka wacka doo doo yeah!

Well let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true
Because the very next day, a local talk show channel had this contest
To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules on Vanna White's chest
I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize
That's right, an expanded cable subscription

With Game Show Network!
Game Show Network!

Oh yeah
You know, I've never been watching some real cable before
And I gotta tell ya, it was pretty great
Except that I had to scroll past too many syndicated reruns of excruciatingly old unfunny shows
And the batteries of my remote kept going dead the whole time
In the high hundreds there were shows about some pretty ponies
And the movie channel showed Goddess of Love with Vanna White
And, oh yeah, some of the channels, they were just off
Suddenly the remote entered some random numbers
And then it exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died!
Except for me
You know why?

'Cause I just got out of the way
Using knowledge that I saw on Johnny Carson
I got out of the way
Using knowledge that I saw on Johnny Carson
I got out of the way
Using knowledge that I saw on Johnny Carson

So I crawled to the cable box's buttons
I changed the channels on it for three full days
Draggin' along my big Flokati rug and my puzzleboard
And my magic toaster and my huge Plinko chip stack
And my lucky, lucky big autographed Vanna White photo
But finally I arrived at the world-famous Game Show Network channel space
Where the Idiotests are tricky
And you can watch rarities like Hot Potato if you want to
It's okay, they're real

Well, I started watching it and I turned up the volume
And I turned up the contrast, also
And I'm just about to watch that Wheel of Fortune game show
That I love so very, very much when suddenly there's a knock on the door

Well now, who could that be?
I say, "Who is it?"
No answer
"Who is it?"
There's no answer
"WHO IS IT?!"
They're not saying anything

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
It's a big fat talk show host with a Howie Mandel bald head and raging expression
Oh man, I hate it when I'm right
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky picture
And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"
"That picture's been just like a picture to me"
And he's like "Tough"
And I'm like "Give it"
And he's like "Make me"
And I'm like "'Kay"
So I spun his leg and he spun my puzzleboard
And I solved at his ear and he solved at my Flokati
And I took out his briefcase and he gave me a big Showcase Showdown
Yes, indeed, you better believe it
And somehow in the middle of it all, another game show started
And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice
And you know what it said?
I'll tell you what it said

It said,
"The first round is Jeopardy, there's one daily double here"
"If you buzz in, answer in the form of a question only"
"The first round is Jeopardy, there's one daily double here"
"If you buzz in, answer in the form of a question only"

On Game Show Network!
Game Show Network!

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my picture
But I made a solver's vow right then and there that I would not rest
I would not sleep for an instant, until the big talk show host was brought to justice
But first, I decided to watch some game shows

So I watched the TV and it was on the GSN
And I had to go and ask the guy who runs the channel
And he says, "Yeah, what do you want?"
I said, "Can I watch Pyramid?"
He said, "No, you can't watch Pyramid!"
I said, "Can I watch Super Password?"
He said, "No, you can't watch Super Password!"
I said, "Can I watch Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"
He said, "No, you can't watch Who Wants To Be A Millionaire!"
I said, "Can I watch Twenty-One?"
He said, "No, you can't watch Twenty-One!"
I said, "Can I watch Chain Reaction?"
He said, "No, you can't watch Chain Reaction!"
I said, "Can I watch Eye Guess?"
He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check..."
"No, you can't watch Eye Guess!"
I said, "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"
He says, "All I got right now is this bad game show that we call Emogenius"
I said, "Okay, I'll watch that"

So he puts on the show and I see Hunter March and he goes on and on
And he immediately shows some emojis and I really hate them
Oh man, he was just going nuts
He's tearing me apart

You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started going through my head
I believe it went a little something like this...

I HATE THIS SHOW!
TURN IT OFF RIGHT NOW!
GSN STOP IT!

I ran out into the street yelling about this emoji game show
Waving my arms around and just running, running, running
Like a young Double Dare contestant
And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams
Her name was Vanna
She was a game show letter-turner with wrinkles on her face and hair the color of raw spaghetti
I'll never forget the first thing she said to me
She said,
"Hey, you must hate Emogenius"

That's when I knew it was true love
We were inseparable after that
Aw, we ate together, we bathed together
Yeah, we even shared the same puzzleboard for turning letters
The world was our game show
So we got married and we bought us a house
And we had two beautiful children - Niko and Giovanna
Oh we were so very very very happy, oh yeah

But then one fateful night, Vanna said to me
She said, "Sweetie puzzle? Do you want to hear this song about a closet and me?"
I said, "Whoa, hold on now baby"
"I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!"
So we broke up and I only saw her on Wheel
But that's just the way things go

On Game Show Network
Game Show Network

Anyway, things really started looking up for me
Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream
That's right, I watched the $64,000 Question
I even knew that it was rigged by Revlon but I enjoyed it anyway
Aw yeah, everyone was so upset with me after that
I was getting a lot of attitude

OK, like one time, I was watching Hot Potato
Trying to guess the answers to the questions
And I see this guy Bill Cullen walking funny just like a clown would do
So I, I say to him, "Hey, do you want a clown nose like one?"
And Cullen, he just rolls his eyes and says,
"No, I want you to cut off my non-clown nose with a big knife"

So I did

And then he gets all indignant on me
He's like, "Why would you even ask me about clowns?"
Well, that's just great
Why would he spite his face for that?
I'm not a mind reader for crying out loud
Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Bill Snubbin!
So what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
Pat Sajak comes up to me on the Wheel and tells me he hasn't had a spin in three days
Well, I knew what he meant
But just to be funny, I picked him up and spun him by his jugular vein
And he's yelling and screaming and bleeding all over
And I'm like "Hey, come on, you said spin right?"
But he just kept rolling around on the sidewalk bleeding and screaming
You know, completely missing the puzzle of this whole situation
Man, some people just can't make a solve, you know?

Anyway...
Where was I?
Kinda lost my train of thought

Well, uh, okay
I guess it's kind of a roundabout way of saying it
But I guess the whole point I'm trying to make here is

I HATE TALK SHOWS!

That's all I'm really trying to say
And by the way, if you happen to wake up one day
And find yourself watching a terrible talk show
Full of loathing and self-doubt
And wracked with the pain and isolation of the meaningless pitiful guy hosting
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
Somewhere out there in this crazy old channel listing of ours
There's still a little place

Called Game Show Network!
Game Show Network!
Game Show Network! Game Show Network!
Game Show Network! Game Show Network!
Game Show Network! Game Show Network!
Game Show Network! Game Show Network!

I said G! (G!)
A! (A!)
M! (M!)
E! (E!)
...Show Network! (Show Network!)

Game Show Network! Game Show Network! Game Show Network! Game Show Network!
Game Show Network! Game Show Network! Game Show Network! Game Show Network!
Game Show Network! Game Show Network! Game Show Network! Game Show Network!
Game Show Network! Game Show Network! Game Show Network! Game Show Network!

Game Show Network!!!