(the sounds of backs breaking, spinning lariats connecting, whatever sound a cross-face makes, and German’s suplex-ing jab at your psyche and your pancreas)

Home is really (really) boring and a mess
Feelin’ use-less (less) thought I’d try to get arrested
Cause it’s a fact, must go where action is packed
And then a friend came up this way

He said, “(Hey), you shut up for a sec
Come and watch the T-vision, guys are breaking neck bones
So I could see the uckin’ UFC
And I so happily watched all day

Since then I've been watching bitch clamps (clamps)
and as arms are put in bars and feet are stamped
Oh, I'm so excited that the very next champ
Kicks opponents in the groin

This is great ‘cause now I fantasize
I’m the fighter (fighter) floating like some butterflies
And I can use Muay Thai to poke you in the eyes
So it’s clearly worth my coin

I can’t fight no, (no I) I can’t fight (oh but)
But I pretend that I am way hardcore

I’m watchin’ (yes I’m) watchin’, I’m a-watchin’ all the
Watchin’ all the (con) tact I’m watchin’, really watchin’ all the
Watchin’ (con) I’m watchin’ all the (con) oh yes, I’m watchin’ all the
Contact Sports

(Wrestling sounds wrestle you to the ground)

On my fav-rite couch I watched it every day
Though I wasn’t so sure, guys in speedos may be gay, but
I watched their power bombing anyway
And I so wanna learn Jeet Kune Do

I’m pretending that I have giant pecs
And I have a girlfriend, cause her boyfriend broke his neck on my fist
German Suplex, fighters that I wreck
And the crowd chants “stomp his toe”

Guys with weird names hit you with a chair
Then they grab your arm and swing to throw you in the air
Or they simply walk up to your chest and pluck a hair
You will scream and yell angrily

And I’m using an abdominal throw
There’s a good chance I’ll be raining blows
Oh yea, every 42nd T K O
Will help in scoring points for me

I can’t fight no, (no I) I can’t fight (oh but)
But I pretend that I am way hardcore

I’m watchin’ (yes I’m) watchin’, I’m a-watchin’ all the
Watchin’ all the (con) tact I’m watchin’, really watchin’ all the
Watchin’ (con) I’m watchin’ all the (con) oh yes, I’m watchin’ all the
Contact Sports

I’m watchin’ (yes I’m) watchin’, I’m a-watchin’ all the
Watchin’ all the (con) tact I’m watchin’, really watchin’ all the
Watchin’ (con) I’m watchin’ all the (con) oh yes, I’m watchin’ all the
Contact Sports




(breathe)
Would you look at all those moves…

They use
Uppercutting, rabbit punches,
head-y butting, collar crunches
Chickenwing-er,
with a finger
Soon you will be losing lunches

Purple nurple, with the wrist-er,
Titty twister for your sister
Pile drivers,
skull dividers,
If I missed, her it’ll blister

Half of nelson, joint submissions,
many fighing competitions
Weight in classes,
kicking asses
Throws and blows in all renditions

New ju-jitsu, when I hit you,
hoping red is gonna fit you
Sambo tackle,
Judo grapple,
Outlook not so, God be with you

striking, throwing, lacerations,
choking causing strangulation
Polish hammer,
body slammer,
multi-person combination

Sho-ryu-ken, Shin-hadou-ken,
Yoga fire, ‘lectricution,
Tiger-kneeing,
DDT-ing,
Thousand-hand-slap retribution

Throw your ass n’ break your femur,
through the grass to hit your beamer
Sun Tzu era,
capoeira,
Hurting more if I am meaner

Shoulder breakers, herni-a-tors,
Keep on trying, can’t escape-ers
Elbow blizzards,
Body scissors,
Person black and bluish makers

I can’t fight no, (no I) I can’t fight (oh but)
But I pretend that I am way hardcore

I’m watchin’ (yes I’m) watchin’, I’m a-watchin’ all the
Watchin’ all the (con) tact I’m watchin’, really watchin’ all the
Watchin’ (con) I’m watchin’ all the (con) oh yes, I’m watchin’ all the
Contact Sports

I’m watchin’ (yes I’m) watchin’, I’m a-watchin’ all the
Watchin’ all the (con) tact I’m watchin’, really watchin’ all the
Watchin’ (con) I’m watchin’ all the (con) oh yes, I’m watchin’ all the
Contact Sports

I’m watchin’ (yes I’m) watchin’, I’m a-watchin’ all the
Watchin’ all the (con) tact I’m watchin’, really watchin’ all the
Watchin’ (con) I’m watchin’ all the (con) oh yes, I’m watchin’ all the
Contact Sports

(The sounds of kicks in asses, punches in groins and helpless howling opponents pummel you some more)