It doesn't matter if you're healthy, or capital F-A-T
Don't be a numb-nut
'Cause you can't bend that way, buddy

My teacher told me a million times
"Don't stress yourself too far"
I dropped sport cause I was lazy, though
I still took his words to heart
Some people try to bend themselves real far
Just to one-up other fitness freaks
Just cause you can't stick your head up your arse
Don't mean you should try this week

You're not that limber, okay
To try is a mistake
You're going too far, dumbass
You can't bend that way
Just stick to the instructions
You'll stay in one piece, not some
You're not Reed Richards, moron
You can't bend that way
(Not that way)

Please don't snap your spine today
Cause it doesn't work that way
Buddy, you can't bend that way
(Not that way)
During exercise today
Please just keep your back in place
Want to help you
You can't bend that way

You bend that way, out pops your spleen
Though you can live without a spleen
'Twill make a mess that's hard to clean
Trust me

Please use your reason
And common sense
Please don't turn your spine to goo
In no damn way are you Elastigirl
Syndrome isn't chasing after you
I am not saying completely quit
Gorge on capital H-A-M (And bacon)
Just don't believe what all the comics show
That boobs and butt pose doesn't work
(Don't trust Liefeld)

You're not that limber, okay
To try's a big mistake
Hear those cracking sounds? They mean
You can't bend that way
You can't be that big a clod
To imitate a robot
Your waist can't twist 180
You can't bend that way

Please don't break your back today
Or on any other day
Buddy, you can't bend that way
(Not that way)
During exercise today
Please just keep your spine in place
Trying to help you, buddy
You can't bend that way

(Nay)

(Nay)

Despite what you have heard or seen
Your spine ain't made of plasticine
It's not a bloody rubber band
90 degrees, it cannot stand
You don't have the ability
To stick your head between your knees
At least while standing, anyway
The point is you can't bend that way

If you want to stay alive
Then just stop trying this shite
Your back's not rubber, buddy
If it was, you'd be fine
Didn't think you'd be this strange
Worse than your car-planking phase
Must I repeat this, buddy
You can't bend that way

You're not that limber, okay
To try's a huge mistake
You're going too far, dumbass
You can't bend that way
Please stop abusing your back
You total, absolute twat
Your name is not Ralph Dibney
You can't bend that way, yeah

Please don't break your spine today
Those med bills won't go away
Buddy, you can't bend that way
(Not that way)
During exercise today
Please just keep your back in place
Just let me help you, buddy
You can't bend that way

You can't bend that way, hey!
You can't bend that way, hey!
You're going too far, moron
You can't bend that way, hey!
You can't bend that way, hey!
You're going too far, dumbass
You can't bend that way, hey!

Just play it safe, don't bend that way
Please play it safe, don't bend that way