Did you make a small mess? Did you spill your white wine?
If you only used a napkin to wipe
Like I've been doin' for ages
It shouldn't take long to explain it
A paper towel's okay, a dishcloth might just do
But I prefer to use napkins, it's true
So good (so good), I feel so elated
Get your own, mate, it's mine, can't take it (ay)

Whether snacks splat or your drink's shook
I'll deal with that like I said I would
Just a quick wipe and it's all done
No need to dump all your cash into fake junk
Like those tissues, good for snot, but for spills, they'll break down
Still have your real bad splat plus paper flecks spread 'round
And don't clean shit up with a dishcloth, you'll see the stain that you missed (oh yeah)
There's no friction there when you wipe and it takes forever to rinse
All that said, if you choose to differ (ay) in your methods, then (ay) whatever
'Cause I'm not one for choosin' this for why I sever ties
I'll just clean it better (ay) than your pissy little methods
Prove why the option that I choose tends to be better, yeah

When I make a small mess, if I knock down my Sprite
I will always use a napkin to wipe
Like I've been doin' for ages
It didn't take long to explain it
No, I'm not bein' paid to say all this, ain't true
No brands shilled when I use napkins, you douche
Works good whatever the stain is
It's still mine, mate, 'fraid you can't take it (damn)

Ay, each mess I'm makin' will go away
As soon as I take this small cloth square from its hidin' place
'Cause eatin' lunch takes time (ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh) and I hate
When said time goes to waste, it's such a pain
To spend twenty minutes, uh (yeah) tryna get some friction, ay (yeah)
To barely remove blobs, I must have perfection (mmm-mmm)
Only thing I can't be fixin' is the leftover awful smell
Whether or not I'll deal with it after I've napkin'd the stain
That depends: did I make the mess in (ay) my own home? Then I'll (ay) be gettin' (ee-yeah-eah-eah-eah)
Odour remover spray, blast like it's armpit sweatin' time
But if I was spillin' (ay) in a restaurant, forget it (oh-oh-oh-ooh-ooh-oh)
I'm way more focused on percentages for tippin', yeah

You should handle your mess the same way I do mine
Once again: just use a napkin to wipe
Like I've been doin' for ages
No other way I can explain it
Deals with a lot of stains, from fudge to beer to goo (damn)
But I suggest to use napkins for food
Not good for blood, I'm not crazy
This for those stains? Not sanitary

One part that sucks is how I need
A brand new one ev'ry few weeks
Because I'm so dependent on it to clean (right)
That I keep forgettin' to wash it, see
The thing I put all my trust in (ay) always ends up so (ay) encrusted (yeah)
Crumbs, jam and soft drink, its effectiveness is stunted, I
Should know I should wash it (ay) like you should know I'm not budgin' (ooh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
On how damn much I love this (yeah-eah-hee), I won't stop my use for nothin', yeah (oh-oh, baby)

Seems you made a nice mess, such a waste of nice wine (was nice)
I suggest you use a napkin to wipe (what you should use)
Like I've been doin' for ages
Keep in your brain (ay-ay-ay) how I've explained it (yeah)
I know I tend to say this ev'ry time, but you (you, you)
Annoyingly misuse napkins, it's true
Not good for cleanin' your stains when (not good)
Makin' snot stains is your sole take, twit