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Song Parodies -> "Henry Cavill vs. Christopher Reeve"
Original Song Title:
"Epic Rap Battles of History"
Original Performer:
Nice Peter & Epic Lloyd
Parody Song Title:
"Henry Cavill vs. Christopher Reeve"
Parody Written by:
Michael Pacholek
The Lyrics
Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's... Super Rapper?
Epic Rap Battles of History!
Henry Cavill!
vs….
Christopher Reeve!
Begin!
(Henry)
Yo! I’m the badass Superman
of the 21st Century!
It’s a super mistake
for anyone to step to me!
You ain’t so strong
when it comes to fighting crime
and you can’t spin the Earth around
and expect to turn back time!
Your Lois can’t spell
and wouldn’t win the Pulitzer.
Mine’s got too much class
to let you fool with her!
Your fantasy needs
a reality check!
I’ll do to you what I did to Zod:
You know what’s like to break your neck!
(Chris)
Henry?
Would you care to step outside?
You call yourself a Superman?
The world knows you’ve lied.
I was more super
blowing into a chair
than you could ever be
soaring into the air.
People want a Superman
with a winning personality.
They see a Batman flick
when they want gritty reality!
Lois isn’t a redhead
but she knows I’m a charmer
while you got your ass kicked
by a Bat in tin armor!
(Henry)
Personality?
Man, you had two!
And your Clark Kent strangled
the life out of you!
My dad was gladiator.
Yours coulda been a contender.
Those red underpants
make you look like a bender!
(Chris)
I’m above you.
You’re far beneath.
How does Superman
end up with crooked teeth?
I couldn’t save my Jon Kent
but you let yours die!
You’ll never be the Superman
who’s the most fly!
(George Reeves flies in)
Mind if I drop in?
This isn’t just black and white.
I didn’t have to kneel
to begin my flight.
Henry, your Superman
is way too dark.
And Chris, you’re a nerd.
I even looked dope as Clark.
(Chris)
George, you set the standard
and left us inspired.
But your scriptwriters
should’ve been fired.
You only fought gangsters
Because of your budget.
I fought super-villains
and didn’t have to fudge it.
(Henry)
You shot yourself and proved
you weren’t bulletproof.
Your Lois was dull
and your Jimmy was a poof!
You were censored in the Fifties
and couldn’t appeal to sex.
I don’t know what’s lamer:
Your suit, or your special effects!
(Dean Cain flies in)
Just a minute, there, Henry!
I object!
You’re like Rodney Dangerfield’s Luthor:
You GIVE no respect!
I beat a Trumplike Luthor
and banged Teri Hatcher.
My housewife wasn’t desperate.
No Lois can match her!
(Henry)
But your cliffhanger
left everyone feeling empty.
Tempus was cheesy
and your Toyman was Sherman Hemsley!
I’ll be Superman
for the next 20 years!
So go off and cry
in your Kryptonian beers!
(George)
You’re not in our League.
You don’t have a super feel.
You’re not a Man of
Stainless Steel.
(Dean)
You’re minor-league. I’m Ivy League.
You’re not the World’s Finest.
You’re failing in your own time
like you would’ve in the Nineties.
(Chris)
You’re not a Superman
whose memory will linger.
We won’t kneel before you
not even to break your fingers!
Who won?
Who’s next?
You decide!
Epic…
(pick the Superman theme music of your choice)
Rap Battles of History!
Henry Cavill!
vs….
Christopher Reeve!
Begin!
(Henry)
Yo! I’m the badass Superman
of the 21st Century!
It’s a super mistake
for anyone to step to me!
You ain’t so strong
when it comes to fighting crime
and you can’t spin the Earth around
and expect to turn back time!
Your Lois can’t spell
and wouldn’t win the Pulitzer.
Mine’s got too much class
to let you fool with her!
Your fantasy needs
a reality check!
I’ll do to you what I did to Zod:
You know what’s like to break your neck!
(Chris)
Henry?
Would you care to step outside?
You call yourself a Superman?
The world knows you’ve lied.
I was more super
blowing into a chair
than you could ever be
soaring into the air.
People want a Superman
with a winning personality.
They see a Batman flick
when they want gritty reality!
Lois isn’t a redhead
but she knows I’m a charmer
while you got your ass kicked
by a Bat in tin armor!
(Henry)
Personality?
Man, you had two!
And your Clark Kent strangled
the life out of you!
My dad was gladiator.
Yours coulda been a contender.
Those red underpants
make you look like a bender!
(Chris)
I’m above you.
You’re far beneath.
How does Superman
end up with crooked teeth?
I couldn’t save my Jon Kent
but you let yours die!
You’ll never be the Superman
who’s the most fly!
(George Reeves flies in)
Mind if I drop in?
This isn’t just black and white.
I didn’t have to kneel
to begin my flight.
Henry, your Superman
is way too dark.
And Chris, you’re a nerd.
I even looked dope as Clark.
(Chris)
George, you set the standard
and left us inspired.
But your scriptwriters
should’ve been fired.
You only fought gangsters
Because of your budget.
I fought super-villains
and didn’t have to fudge it.
(Henry)
You shot yourself and proved
you weren’t bulletproof.
Your Lois was dull
and your Jimmy was a poof!
You were censored in the Fifties
and couldn’t appeal to sex.
I don’t know what’s lamer:
Your suit, or your special effects!
(Dean Cain flies in)
Just a minute, there, Henry!
I object!
You’re like Rodney Dangerfield’s Luthor:
You GIVE no respect!
I beat a Trumplike Luthor
and banged Teri Hatcher.
My housewife wasn’t desperate.
No Lois can match her!
(Henry)
But your cliffhanger
left everyone feeling empty.
Tempus was cheesy
and your Toyman was Sherman Hemsley!
I’ll be Superman
for the next 20 years!
So go off and cry
in your Kryptonian beers!
(George)
You’re not in our League.
You don’t have a super feel.
You’re not a Man of
Stainless Steel.
(Dean)
You’re minor-league. I’m Ivy League.
You’re not the World’s Finest.
You’re failing in your own time
like you would’ve in the Nineties.
(Chris)
You’re not a Superman
whose memory will linger.
We won’t kneel before you
not even to break your fingers!
Who won?
Who’s next?
You decide!
Epic…
(pick the Superman theme music of your choice)
Rap Battles of History!
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I remember the old George Reeves Superman. The gangster would empty his revolver into Superman's chest. Then he would throw the weapon and Superman would duck out of the way. Once turned a bunch of pocket knives into radium with his X-ray vision. Then he shot himself just before he would have learned that his cancelled series had been renewed. Sad. Christopher Reeve came to an unhappy ending, too.
George Reeves was murdered. There was no residue under his nails from the shot and the distance the bullet traveled was greater than arm's length. It was a cover-up as the police failed to take fingerprints and the crime scene was tampered with. The Luger was oiled post death. The coroners, plural, performed sloppy autopsies. No suspects even with three people that had motives for murder and several of which were present!
One thing is for certain, Zack Snyder should be banned from ever directing a superhero movie ever again.
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