(royal fanfare)

Epic Rap Battles of History!

King Richard III!

vs....

King Charles III!

Begin!

(Richard)
Now is the Winter of our discontent.
I wonder where worthy opponents went.
For seventy-three years you had to wait.
Into my own hands I chose to take fate.

I didn't endure an eternal mother.
I took out my inconvenient brother.
Then Edward died and you know what I did:
I delegitimized his meddling kids!

The only ruthless thing you've done in life
is hire French blokes to whack your ex-wife!
Now people hate your new wife to their souls.
At least, at night, you get to park her bowls!

I'm bringing sexy back, but with a twist!
A dictator, I ruled with iron fist!
That's how I reigned over England and Wales.
But you'll forever be the Prince of Fails!

(Charles)
(Stands there for a moment)
Is he done yet?

(Servant)
Yes, Your Majesty.

(Charles)
Good. You know One does not like to be kept waiting.

My name is Charles Philip Arthur George.
A new royal era, I've begun to forge.
I'm a climate-change fighter and a master of polo.
I don't need servants to serve you, I'm coming for you solo!

I think I can outlast you: You only reigned two years.
How can you beat me? Tell me: I'm all ears!
I was Duke of Cornwall, that beats Duke of Gloucester
and more popularity than you, I can muster!

My kids are war heroes, with a lot on their plate.
What have your children accomplished? Oh, wait...
You have no descendants. Your line's fate was sealed
when you got run through with swords at Bosworth Field.

You had a bad back, and your head, you're losing it!
I can lend you a Truss. Go ahead: I won't be using it!
Your courage can't be questioned, no, bravely you fought
but ended up underneath a parking lot!

(Richard)
'Tis true, I was lost underground in Leicester.
But neither brother was a child molester!
"My kingdom for a horse!" 'Twas my disgrace.
You only need to see your sister's face!

Come see the great men starring in my play:
McKellen, Pacino, Olivier!
A lot of no-names play you on the screen
and on the telly, faces rarely seen!

I'm French, Plantagenet, I'd be squirmin'
if I were Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, German!
You liked Thatcher, did you like Enoch Powell?
Me, on my own, I made the peasants howl!

I am a legend, down in history.
A footnote in the British monarchy
is all that Charles the Third will ever be.
This Chuck got roasted by Richard the Three!

(Charles)
It's only in this battle you could have a shorter reigning.
To take on Britain's enemies, I've had a lifetime of training.
You were determined to prove a villain, no hero could you be feigning
and you need revisionist historians to do your explaining!

I'm plucking the White Rose, the symbol of York
and I'm slapping this fool from the House of Dork!
Your body is hunched, you're twisted and bent.
Your style is bleaker than Stoke-on-Trent!

I've got the leadership skills to keep the Kingdom United
and the rap arsenal to keep your hopes unrequited!
This ex-Prince is a tower, you never had a chance.
I've heard better responses when I've talked to plants!

For Windsor, four monarchs. For York, only two.
Even Edward VI reigned longer than you.
You couldn't climb Mountbatten. You've been schooled and Tudored.
Consider yourself drawn, quartered and neutered!

Who won?
Who's next?
You decide!

Epic...

(royal fanfare)

Rap Battles of History!