All my friends are Stevens, weird, I know
None of them will tell me why it's so
How is it I'm the only du-ude
Around here who's name is friggin' Stu-u?
All my friends are Stevens, weird, I know
Got their own personalities, though
They've only the same name, it's true-ue
And their non-answers leave me confu-used

They're just ordinary people
Who, on all their legal documents, it states
The same name
Ev'ry baker, ev'ry chef, ev'ry dork
No proof that their names were changed, it's their birth name
That driver ridin' up your ass? He's a Steven, dude
That scrawny fast-food teenager? He's a Steven, too
I think "How am I here? I'm no Steven, dude"
But no-one here will tell, what in the hell?

All my friends are Stevens, weird, I know
Ev'ryone from rich pricks to hobos
How can this not seem weird to you-ou?
One name for ten thousands, I'm confu-used

No conspiracy here that I can tell
No hidden headquarters beneath the well
And one thing I didn't mention
Women share the namin' convention
That nurse wrappin' up your toe? She's a Steven, dude
Those catty mall bitches? They're all Stevens, too
I still think "How am I here? I'm no Steven, dude"
Not even mum will tell, what in the hell (spill it)?

Spill it

All my friends are Stevens, weird, I know
Strangers, relatives, they're all named so
So hard when they get lost from you-ou
Shout their name, ev'ryone turns, it's true-ue

All my friends are Stevens, weird, I know (spill it)
Isn't a one-day practical joke (spill it)
Said all my friends are Stevens, weird, I know (spill it)
I may find it all strange, but they don't

Hang on, Steven is my middle name
Maybe that's why they think that I'm their mate
If it was Horatio or Chuck
I think I would be completely stuffed