(instrumental opening)

When you're lost in the rain in New Brunswick
and it's lunchtime, too
and depravity fails
and sensitivity won't pull you through
don't put on any airs
when you're walking down the Easton Avenue.
They got some hungry women there
and they'll cut in line in front of you.

Now, if you see Saint Peter's
please tell them, "Thanks a lot."
I could not move.
My stomach was all in a knot.
They pumped it out once
and had to give it another shot.
And my best friend the doctor
said salmonella was what I got.

Sweet Melinda
the bartender at Stuff Yer Face
you should tip her well
or they won't let you back into the place.
And you're so kind and so careful
not to be all about her base.
Because that ale is pronounced "bass"
and you don't want a legal case!

Up on Highland Park's steep hill
it's either glory or fame.
You must pick one or the other
although both of them can be quite lame.
And if you're looking to get lucky
you better go back to from where you came.
Because the cops have a quota
and man, they expect to meet the same.

Now, the Parking Authority and DEVCO sit around and boast
how they bought all the voters to keep the Mayor in his post
and got Rutgers into the Big Ten
though it's on the Atlantic Coast
and we played to Ohio State
and came back looking just like a ghost.

(instrumental break)

I started off on Bud Light
but soon hit the harder stuff.
My friends all said they'd stand beside me
if the game got rough.
But they all passed out, too.
We couldn't call each other's bluff.
I'm going back to the mall food court.
I do believe I've had enough.

(instrumental fadeout)