Here's my story, and you may smirk
My baby, she makes walking hard work
She takes two steps and then she's down
Gal's tripped off every kerb in town.

Trip, tripwhoopsadaisy, daisy
Slip, sliplegs are crazy, crazy
Flip, flipknees get graze-y, graze-y
WHUMP! Owwwwwch!

Ah, it seems she's broken all her body parts
The laws of gravity she can't outsmart
She's held together with thread, tape and glue
But I still love my-a On-the-ground Sue

With two new hips and a sturdy back brace
She wears a crash helmet on dates, just in case
This girl's invented new colours of bruise
No black and blue for-a On-the-ground Sue

Ah, she buys stilettos to wear
She's trashed about a hundred pair
She totters, stumbles, sometimes flies
She's hookedon first-aid supplies

Had a quarrel, she got huffy and she called me "schmuck"
Then stepped in front of a ten-tonne truck
Spectators all turned 'round and said "ooooh!"
She survived, lucky On-the-ground Sue

Trip, tripcall a paramedic
Slip, slipget some anaesthetic
Flip, flipdon't call her pathetic!
WHUMP! Owwwwwch!

She'll fall on gravel, on sand
Horizontal's all she understands
Our lovemaking does lack some spice
Coz she'salways packed in ice

Tibia and fibula and scapula all smashed
Insurance premiums drain her cash
Her best friends are the ambulance crew, coz they
Earn their wage from-a On-the-ground Sue

Trip, tripwhoopsadaisy, daisy
Slip, sliplegs are crazy, crazy
Flip, flipknees get graze-y, graze-y
WHUMP! Owwwwwch!
(Repeat until fade, or until the painkillers start to kick in)