Stinky and Whiny were lovers
Who married with standard excuses
Lord how they pledged they’d treat each other
Those were just the perfect ruses
I was their best friend, and they were doing me wrong

The role of a friend is a sad one
Spent so much time holding their hands
Forced to listen so to their tales of woe
Could’ve been me wearing their wedding bands
They said they were my friends, but they were dragging me down

Stinky would fart with no notice
Blow smoke right out into my face
Gas on ‘bout his football glories
Earth was turning while I sat in place
He was a bore, and he was wearing me down

Whiny spent hours at the parlor
Talked on the phone and then played “blue”
Nails, hair, boobs, and gym visits
Nice outside, inside rotten through and through
She was a whore, and she was wearing me down

They both played on my do-good nature
I was the pal who’d be true
I thought I was better than they were
That was the fable I knew
Oh the fate of a friend, and they were wearing me down

I loaned them lots of my money
Kept secrets their marriage would blow
I ended up at a therapist
While they did just fine don’t you know
I’m growing old, and they were wearing me down

My shrink told me that I should dump them
I really didn’t know what to do
Stinky then said I should hump him
Whiny said she’d enjoy the view
Such were my friends, they were doing me wrong

Told Stinky when hell freezes over
That’s when I’d do that creepy man
While Whiny should really bend over
I’d give her a kick in the can
Talk about doing somebody, they were doing me wrong

Moved to a town where they don’t go
Changed contacts and got a life plan
Sued their asses and got my payola
If they’re dead now I don’t give a damn
Spend my time with my new friends, or just go it alone

Well use me and try to abuse me
But this is the end of my song
In the end I wasn’t their friend
Friends or enemies the difference ain’t strong
I wouldn’t do them, and they were doing me wrong