I've heard Er-nie Els has a 'putter' that's swell,
and his wood's like an iron when Nature calls;
And I've heard he asked once, while playing Doral,
things of David Duval
that only a pal
would ask of a pal
I've heard Mick-el-son bags his club when he's done,
and he chokes when he 'strokes' if he schwings at all;
All the guys on the tour play,
'cause they've got expertise in 'Fore!' play,
and they all use their caddies to wipe their balls

I've heard Davis Love always uses a 'glove'
'cause Vi-jay says VD's not from toilet stalls,
I've heard Ti-ger Woods likes to play 'in the rough',
but if that's not enough,
when he's feeling loved,
he plays in the buff;
I've heard Par-ne-vik takes firm grip on his stick
And he grunts when he bumps it into the hole;
But he does use a hoodie
when he's using his trusty woody,
and he uses his caddie to wipe his balls

If Mont-go-me-rie lines one into the trees,
he is sunk if a bunker is where it falls
Lest the weak-ness-es in their games be exposed,
even seasoned old pros
must keep on their toes
to beat Justin Rose;
If an er-rant putt means he misses the cut,
Daly's freed up to kneel for a long 'pub crawl';
Even those who are married
pay to make sure their bags are carried
by the same guy they're using to wipe their balls,
their balls,
their balls,

They all use their caddies to wipe their balls