I grew up in some kid's toybox
Buried beneath his dirty socks
And that messed-up boy was the only one I knew

We had adventures or so he said
I knew he wasn't right in the head
The second that little bastard named me "Pooh"

Well his mama named HIM Christopher
He had no cause to be pissed at her
I'm sure he thought it would be a funny thing to do

Some piglet would hug me and I'd spray it with "Raid"
Some tigger would bounce me and I'd have it spayed
I tell ya, life ain't easy for a bear named "Pooh"

Deep in the hundred acre wood
I dreamed of mauling that wanker good
He was ugly and stupid and probably insane

Yep, hurtin' him badly was my goal
But his imagination kept me under control
It turns out I'm a bear of very little brain

Believe me, things are tough enough
When you're tubby, cute and stuffed with fluff
To try to get folks to take you seriously

But when some sissy-boy names you Pooh
Ain't nothin' left for a bear to do
But arm himself and go on a killin' spree

That's just what I was about to do
I knew this bear down at the zoo
Could get me whatever I wanted in there with them freaks

I gave him my cash and I said "let's go"
He said, "Now, slow down, Slugger--whoa;
My conscience dictates you'll have to wait two weeks."

Before two weeks my life changed quick
Some Disney guys who liked my schtick
Made me an offer; but I'd have to keep the name

Movies, TV, books and more
This Disney crap was a monster score
I said,"MY NAME IS POOH! HOW DO YOU DO? BOYS LET'S PLAY THE GAME!"

Well, after that you know the rest
Except the Kanga part I guess
But that's one story I won't be tellin' you

But let's just say for the sake of fun
If Pooh Bear ever had a son
I think I'da probably named him...
Mortimer! Or Garfunkel! DEFINITELY NOT Roo!
And if you're from the Child Support Agency, I never seen that bitch before in my life!