Woke up, it was the morning newscast
What's the first thing that I heard?
Was one more celebrity catfight
And some very naughty words.

It came roaring in
Like air raid sirens
And painful as
A dentist's drill.

Yet I just stayed
Couldn't pull away
I couldn't help it
She was so shrill.

Woke up, it was Ms. Chelsea Hammer
Spewing all her bile
People think that she's so clever
But she's really simply vile.

Bleep, bleep, bleep!
Rude words to shake you up
The paparazzi get
Their jollies.

Come Christmas Day
I'll have my way
Deck her halls
Not with holly.

Now she's on a tangent
With her target for the day
And her fans
Hang on to words she says.

And bad words fly
She makes me cry
Turn off the TV.

Turned on, it was the Tonight Show
And - oy! she's back again
Not long ago she shat on Angie
Said she had a crush on Jen.

And her mouth poured
Out obscenities
That sore
Offend my senses.

Oh, where've they been
I have doubts 'bout Jen
I don't think
In former tenses.

Shut your piehole, Chelsea
You got the shoestore in your mouth
You'll be served with lawsuits soon enough
They'll call your bluff.

You're so uncouth
I'm telling you the truth - *btsplsk*
Tacky Lady, kindly
Shut up, pu - leeze, Ms. Chelsea Handler!