He lay face down in the beach dune sand
Green guy with flipper 'stead of hand
Didn't move his behind; I thought he was dead
For under his shell was a ton of lead
But he fin'lly crawled, and so gosh-darn slow
But that's as fast as he can go! He's Turtle!

Tur---tle,
Tur---tle

Had slow limbs, but his brain was fast
What I heard at first were jokes, half-assed
And then, from dawn till setting sun,
He practiced perspicacious pun
And "ow-er" on "ow-er" spewed from this twit
No human being could match the wit of Turtle

Tur---tle,
Tur---tle

One day, we quit the writing fest
And I went East, and he went West
I took to drama: rave reviews
While he dug deeply in the 00s.
Sarcasm sharp, he gained such fame
Whole World Wide Web, it feared the name of Turtle

Tur---tle,
Tur---tle

I knew some day that we'd contest
Which one of us, most wit, possessed?
And sure enough, came word that night
That he was logged in: AmIRight
I left submission, still incomplete
And I went in alone to meet Turtle

Tur---tle,
Tur---tle

They said my wit was next to none
But my parody had just begun
When I felt satire sting my wrist
The mouse went flying from my fist
And I was looking at the screen
Of the deadly joke machine of Turtle

Tur---tle,
Tur---tle

For once, re-fused to rip a rhyme
No clever pun? That's not his style
He slowly lowered his laptop, then
"Our rivalry", he said, "transcend"
And so at last I understood
That there was more than sheep-bound wood in Turtle

Tur---tle,
Tur---tle

I gratefully concede defeat
He turned and crawled into the street
A dozen Ones: invective, read
A moment later, he lay dead
The site popped cans of stout and beer
Nowhere was there shed a tear for Turtle

Tur---tle....

The story spread throughout the site
That I had beaten Turtle's write
And it's too many beers, they say
That made me quit my puns, wordplay
But on his grave, they can't explain
The 555 above the name
Of Turtle

Tom---my,
Tur---tle!

Tom---my,
Tur---tle!