I am just a poor man, have no presents for my folks
I have squandered all the Wal-Marts for a Dump Truck-ful of mumbles, Costs are horrible
I went to Best Buy, the men at the counter drank beer
Salary's not it's best (Ho!....Ho!......Ho!)

When I left my home to get all the gifts, there was not a single toy
Not even Power Rangers.....
In the quiet of the store's toy section, I got scared
Ho ho ho, seeing that guy Santa Claus, he's belting out his Ho ho ho's
Looking like my neighbor, I ripped his beard off

Ho ho ho!... Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!
Ho ho ho!... Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!
Ho ho ho ho ho!...

I was flipping through the pages of the Wal-Mart catalog, but I got no offers.....
Just a coupon from the store on Seventh Avenue
I was impaired, I left my wallet all the way back home
I got arrested there!

Ho ho ho ho ho ho!

Now I'm still locked up in prison for public insanity
I ripped the beard off Santa Claus, executed I'll be, that's not unusual
No I'm not insane, after Christmas upon Christmas, I am anything but insane
I wish you a Merry Christmas.........

(Repeat Ho ho ho chorus)

And I'm lying in my prison clothes, number's 65171
Where the North Pole native gets a restraining order against me, Ho ho ho

I was a last-minute shopper, who was desperate for some toys
And I murdered Santa's reindeer, and no more love, insane they thought I was, yeah
I confided that my anger had been shamed
I am crazy, I am crazy, but presents made me insane
Yes, I am insane........................

(Trumpet solo with dog barking "Jingle Bells" in the background)

(Repeat the Ho Ho Ho's a billion times! lol....fade out)