Ralph, I'm feelin' funny,
Ralph, not just any funny,
Ralph, you know I need some Tums.
Ral-al-al-al-alph!

When I have hunger, so much hunger I buffet,
I never eated anybody's helpings on their tray.
I stay at buffets long and I eat all that's procured,
How I dine,
Without resign, 'til I puke on their floors.

Ralphing in the can it won't stay down,
What I do regurgitate is looking brown,
Looks like pickled beets and some ground round.
Until I cease, cease ralphing.

And now my shirt is changed and they put out nice clean trays,
My indigestion weans, I'm famished, time to graze.
I can't eat now and then, small meal or soup du jour,
I just know I need to eat like there won't be food no more.

Ralphing all I can what won't stay down,
And I do not mean to nauseate the crowd,
Help me get my heaves up on the ground,
Until I cease, cease ralphing.

I ralphed a lunger such a lunger I must say,
I'd not excreted any runny ralph up quite this way,
I was amazed how long, it ran onto the floor.
I must dine,
Can't change my mind, I'm open for some more.

Ralphing in the can it won't stay down,
What I do regurgitate is looking brown,
Looks like pickled beets and some ground round.
Until I cease, cease ralphing.

Ralphing, ralphing, e-e-ew.