There are ailments I've contracted
From my wife, like crabs and mange;
Some are chronic, some got better,
Some are gone, and some remain:

Herpes, clap, flu, lice, bad dandruff
Have cost me some friends, med bills and a ball--
Some have sued us, some aren't living;
It's my wife's and not their fault!

What appalled these friends and others?
Scary growths on their rears and pubes,
On their mammaries, grooves and weenies;
Then they take more drugs for something new!

Subcutaneous mystery infections
And crippling shingles, weeping sores—
I know the public health's at risk around her;
In my wife, I've found new spores!

(accordion solo)

Prophylactics can improve prevention
Of creepy new things not seen before;
The epidemiologist's astounded—
In my wife they've found new spores!

In my wife they've found new spores!