Come to the phone, cousin
Give me hope, cousin
You had your kids in the day
Tell me, when will the pounds go away?
It just ain't no fun
When you weigh half a ton
And I need some kind words today

Do you hear that incredible squeak?
I sat on the sofa, the springs made a creak!
It's just so unfair, can't fit in my underwear
And I feel so much like a freak!

I wish that I could take a warm bath
But I might get stuck there, would that be a laugh!?
I'm so afraid to see the seaside
Because I think that
I'll be swept by the tide

Got a big belly!
This ain't no treat
No maternity plus size
At Kohl's or Farm & Fleet
Swelling up in my fingers
And also my feet

Stay on the phone, cousin
I'm alone, cousin
I feel like such a wimp today
Tell me, when will the pounds go away?
It just ain't no fun
When you weigh half a ton
And I need some kind words today

I fear that if we visit the farm
The cow wrangler will push me in the barn!
I look like a center for the Chicago Bears!
Takes me an hour to walk down the stairs!

Got a big belly!
This ain't no treat
This nasty size expansion
The tears roll down my cheeks
I'll never will be so thinner
It's only been nine weeks!