NARRATOR:
Dear year two-thousand-eighteen
You gotta understand
The constant pain and aching
Has gotten out of hand
From strife still in Syria
To angry yellow vests
God almighty
Nat'rally, we're stressed!

PUBLIC:
Geez, two-thousand-eighteen
You know we're upset
Prince Henry's wedding was the
Happiest we could get
Hawaii's false alert
And Facebook's nosedive
How the hell are we still alive?

NARRATOR:
Still alive

PUBLIC:
Still alive, still alive
Yet we do not thrive
We're damn lucky ev'ryone's alive!

(2018: Oh, c'mon, I ain't THAT bad!)
(Narrator: Want the world to tell you?!)
(2018: Just tell it to the Prez!)

NARRATOR:
You talked with North Korea
But you got nothin' done
Mueller says, "I'll soon see ya"
You're firing ev'ryone
The Stoneman Douglas shooting
Kavanaugh gets to rave
Dems took the House
Call it the "Blue Wave"

TRUMP:
Hey, two-thousand-eighteen
What'd you do to me?!
Thanks to Cohen and Tillerson
I'll never be free
If they find collusion
At the very least
Liberals will get me impeached!

NARRATOR:
You, impeached?

PUBLIC:
He'll be beached, out of reach
His prospects deceased
Twenty-twenty's gone if he's impeached!

(Trump: My fellow Americans, in the opinion of this rich guy, Mueller's ain't got a case and I'll be Prez for life!)
(Narrator: Which, according to EPA guys, will be 2030!)
(Trump: Well, take that up with Mother Nature. She's a '3', by the way.)

NARRATOR:
Blown 'way by Flo and Michael
Hawaii blows its top
Quebec's heat wave goes viral
Wildfires barely stopped
Earthquakes in Indonesia
And India has floods
Half-expect to
See rivers of blood!

NATURE:
Yeah, two-thousand-eighteen,
The worst's yet to come
If things don't change, I'll make it
Hotter for ev'ryone
Stop arguing 'bout it
Or 'bout what's the cause
Seems I'm going through menopause!

NARRATOR:
Menopause?!

PUBLIC:
She's the boss, torn and tossed
She just can't be lost
But it's like she's smack in menopause!

(Nature: Just remember that YOU can't live without ME, not vice versa! Now change your tune before you end up dooming you all.)
(Narrator: Hey, what about the people you killed?)
(Nature: Take it up with Death itself, if you must.)

NARRATOR:
Lost George and Barbara Bushes
Lee Ermey and Annan
McCain and Margot Kidder
Keith Jackson is long gone (Keith: Ho boy!)
Aretha, Billy Gra-ham
And Geoffrey the Giraffe
Stephen Hawking
Least Burt Reynolds laughed!

DEATH:
Damn, two-thousand-eighteen,
I can't take a break?!
Neil Simon, Bourdain, Sammartino...
For goodness sake!
You're wearing me out here!
I'm sick of this crap!
Stan Lee was gone in just a snap!

NARRATON:
Just a snap!

PUBLIC:
Just like that, just like that
Avicci's self-capped
It's like Thanos really did his snap!

INDIVIDUALS:
The Government was shut down
Khashoggi trapped and killed
"Black Panther" all over towns
G7's feeling ill
Teenagers eating Tide Pods
Canadians get high

PUBLIC:
We will stay up just to watch you die!

Two-thousand-eighteen, you're more than obscene!

NARRATOR:
And I don't have much hope for the year twenty-nineteen!

PUBLIC:
Geez, two-thousand-eighteen, here's something for you...

HEY, TWO-THOUSAND-EIGH-TEEN,
@$%& YOU!