I’m not, you know, like many, many smart people
My word salad speeches are just me having fun
And though I am “like really smart”
I would have been a lot better if I’d had me a real brain

If I were a smart man,
Crisis after crisis,
Day after day let them come.
All of them I’d simply delegate,
If I were a smarter man.
I wouldn’t have this learning curve,
Drowning here in the swamp.
The world would see that I was great,
If I were a truly, truly smart,
Honest, standup, real business-man.

I’d a’bought! this big white house with more rooms than I needed,
Right in the middle of DC.
With it’s big driveway for this man-on-the-go;
It has a big bedroom where I tweet all alone
And an oval office just for show,
For mostly I’d be down at Mar-a-Lago.

I’d fill my staff with the best and the brightest,
Each one with a very high IQ.
Besides being rich, one other qualifier:
Not even one of them could be
Quite nearly as intelligent as me
Because, after all, I need to be the smartest man.

If I were that smart man
Coulda, shoulda, woulda,
Coulda, shoulda, woulda, not been dumb.
I shoulda come here with a plan!
If I were that smarter man,
This job would not be so hard,
Draining swamps should be fun;
Losing Trumpcare was so dumb.
If only I were that really smart,
Maybe even just a sorta smart man?

I left my wife, my Melania,
In New York with our youngest son;
Protected by the Secret Service,
Costing taxpayers money by the ton.

She chose not to join me
In the swamp of DC.
Oy! She is happier back there.
But down at Mar-a-Lago, I don’t even care!

I coulda bent this government and run it like my business
(Except for the ones that bankrupted me).
They’d be my friends, the FBI guys.
Pretty please, James Comey,
Let me be, James Comey.
I don’t know Putin; I have no Russian ties,
Believe me, I am such an honest man.

These first hundred days have been tough.
Haven’t really done most of what I said,
And my base now seems to be catching on.

If I were smart, I’d have the sun at my back,
Staying down in Mar-a-Lago to play.
Each weekend the lodge would fill with family
To discuss the Brand, Profits and Policies vis-a-vis.
That’s Eric (but not Tiffany),
Donny Jr., and Ivanka with her Wonder Boy.

In the end I’m just a con man,
Only doing what I do best.
My brand comes first, never sweat the rest.
All day long I make appearances
Acting like a busy man.
I shouldn’t have to work so hard,
Leading’s not my thing;
I’m here to help Ivanka, help her sell her bling.
No one should ask any more than that from me,
For, I am just being what I am.
I’ve been very clear, everyone knew that
I was not a learned man!