I've lately thought that I could make a decent Jew
Whenever I'd read Bible, it would be Hebrew
Though I'm just a shiksa, it could be fun
If I could really call myself a Yiddish Mom -
It's crazy but it's true -
I only wanna be a Jew

I'd have to give up bacon and the shrimps, of course
And I would no more make a meal of squid or horse -
And wool mixed with linen, that's not okay
I'd have to follow Kashrut just in every way
I'd like to be like Ruth -
I only wanna be a Jew

Now I'd go bathing in mikve
every time I'd bleed -
and no more shtuping at that time of month -
- now that is treif indeed!

So, listen, rabbi

I have to memorize now all those mitzvot too
Six hundred thirteen commands of the "don't"s and "do"s
When I wore a tallit, now that's faux pas -
and you don't use a lamp oil as the fuel for menora
It's so hard to be true -
a frum and decent lady Jew!

And when Hanukka comes
I have to tell my mom
That I won't come home Christmas time
And I will decline ham

(Now what a shmendrik!)

Doing my bat mitzva - it's a piece of cake
And playing with that dreidel, just a give or take
But I'm such a yenta, and I got wise
That thing called "bris" for my son --- now dream on, guys!
It's scary and it's cruel -
I no more want to be a Jew!
It's scary and it's cruel -
I no more want to be a Jew1