Needle shots come out in the dentists' chair
Enter metal instruments from the glov-ed hand
He sees the new X-rays and it don't look good
Tells you, "Flossing! you don't understand!"
Here comes the power of novocaine
The drug that can usually dull the pain
For something that you're needin' numb
Patching up incisors well for the time you might-a been
A-chompy-in' on a bone

Three molars bleedin' there does dentist see
And another one looks yellow and has an enormous cavity
"You didn't brush it!" he says and he calls for his aide
"Cancel all of my other appointments and bring me every blade!"
One of them is battered, get me the caps
And so Patty gets the caps
And she comes back to the room with the blood a-spurtin'
As the patient screams in fright

Seems that yesterday, lost another part of crown
And the tartar building up on the ridge are things that he found
Number one of lowers is making his head pound
Had no idea what kind of b*ll is about to come down
His dental coverage sucks, and it sucked before then
In dentistry that's just the way things go
If they're black you might as well just have them all pulled out
Nothing you can do about

Next to yellow is the tarter and he had a gap for a smile
That all that pyorrhea is making the white things brown
He said "I had two teeth falling out when I bit dinner plates
They jumped into the white sink where brushing I hates
I miss chewing on that corn, but now it feels dead
Doc said "Have you a brain boy, in that fat head?"
So he took out the laughing gas and all
And pressed his back up to the wall
And told him to count backwards from a hundred and ten

Four in the morning and he's still working on
Make him do a root canal, and they bring him two beers
The drowsy man rouses looks up at the high whining drill
Says, "Wha' did I come in here for? Just to get high?"
Yes, here comes the power of novocaine
The drug that can usually dull the pain
For something that you're needin' numb
Patching up incisors well for the time you might-a been
A-chompy-in' on a rock

Four months later the toothache is the same
Doctor's now changed his insurance, no one wants the claim
While all that pyorrhea's still driving him insane
And he keeps on putting the booze in him looking to dull the great pain
"Remember that dinner? You ate a candy bar?"
"Remember you kept all those nachos in your car?"
"You thought you'd live long with all thirty two?"
"Think they may have been much whiter if you'd done what was right?"
"Don't forget the Ultra-bright"

Our poor sickly patient said "Am I really doomed?"
Doc said "A stupe like you could use a break
We saved you from the molar job and those teeth that were turning yellow
Now you don't want to have to go back to him or they'll be Jello
You'll be doing dentistry a favor
That son-of-a-butcher quack was going crackers
We want to put him out of biz
We want to take his license away from him
He's really out on a limb

Our boy thought he'd lose them all with just one punch
But he never did like to gum about it all that munch
It's my mouth he'd say and it's my tooth decay
And when I'm all gummin' and they're on the tray
I'll get some phony ones
When they're out at night and they don't hurt gums
And keep 'em safe inside a pail
But then they took him to the mailroom
Where they try to make a man from a buffoon

All of dumbhead's teeth were filled up with hope
The smile was a non-jerkus they filled him up with dope
The plaque was taken off with care cleaned off all the scum
And the white teeth came out he no longer looked just like an old bum
And to the doctors he was a human being in need
No one doubted that he needed to feed
And though they could not reduce the gums
The dentist who lied got criminal charges files
And the new white patient just smiled

So remember when you fix tooth
You need someone who will tell you the truth
Yellow and tarter ain't enough, you need proof
And certificates on the wall sometimes ain't enoof
How can the life of such a plan
Be in the drill of some quack's hand
You see an obvious big sham
Couldn't help but make me feel a twinge to spend a grand
And never take a stand

Now all the dental folk in their coats and ties
Are free to look down in the mouth and watch the fees rise
While our boy took a beating from his toothsome hell
An stupid young man who didn't brush too well
That's the power of novocaine
The drug that can usually dull the pain
For something that you're needin' numb
Patching up incisors well for the time you might-a been
A-chompy-in' on a pearl