On a dark crowded subway
no air to be found
hot crush of commuters
rising up from the ground

Disconnecting their laptops
The publishers advance
They're feeling funky and they're ready to roll
Without a backward glance

Those recalcitrant authors
We have to chase them all day
They miss their deadlines and they're never around
We'll just have to make them pay

You should see all the typos
That litter every page
They never notice or they don't even look
Brings on a bad case of proof rage

Welcome to the House of Beat and Smackswells
Such a lovely place
Such a smiling face
We're ever so strict at the House of Beat and Smackswells
If you're out of line
That just suits us fine


Don't even mention those looseleafs
They stop me sleeping at night
We need those updates like a shot in the arm
It's no wonder we're all so uptight

Those contributors' contracts
Oooooooh what a sweat!
They try to hustle over each little clause
Those rights are ours baby don't you forget!

And even they're not the worst thing
I tell you no lie
We're on our knees to the gods of the Net
It's a case of e- publish or die

But still that new law keeps coming from HMG*
It's like a tidal wave- it's too much to take
How we all long to be free

Welcome to the House of Beat and Smackswells
Such a lovely place
Such a smiling face
You know when you're licked at the House of Beat and Smackwells
If you don't make the grade
We have ways to persuade

Around the boardroom table
Market forces can't be beat
No-one knows who's gonna merge with us next
But we sure can feel the heat

Reid Elsevier* hovers
Like a spectre at the feast
We try to dodge them but we never know when
We're gonna have to face the beast

Still we wine and dine all our authors
Lunch from 12 til 3
We really have to hit our plastic hard
For us, baby, no lunch is free

But this really a smokescreen
The reason we all look so wrecked
We're just into partying and getting on down
Legal publishing is better than sex