Song Parodies -> "Calvinist Girls"

Original Song Title:

"Catholic Girls"

Original Performer:

"Calvinist Girls"

Parody Written by:

The Lyrics

Calvinist girls
in reformed TULIP garden
Calvinist girls
With fire and brimstone
Calvinist girls
in their gloomy drab churches
Certain of their salvation
It's called predestination
Calvinist girls
Who don't smile at all
Calvinist girls
They are pious and cold
Catholic girls
Certain of no reprobation
Know where they go, when life is done

Jock:
All the way
That's the faith they do
Every day
And they all are certain they'll go Heaven for sure
Hip-hip-hooray
For they are dour and they're rude
There's nothing like a Calvinist girl
When they're with some dude
they never show up nude...

Reverend Phelps:
They seldom show their love
to but the calvinist boys!

Mary:
Johannes Prandtli...

Reverend Phelps:
Calvinist boys!

Mary:
Kinda rich, kinda dour!

Reverend Phelps:
Calvinist boys!

Mary:
Robert McAdam...

Chorus:
Where do they go?
Will they in Heaven show?

Reverend Phelps:
Calvinist boys!

Johannes:
Anneke Blauch!

Reverend Phelps:
Calvinist boys!

Officer Butzis:
Hey! Fire and brimstone!

Reverend Phelps:
Calvinist boys!

Johannes:
Antonius Kohler!

Chorus:
With a tongue like a spear
She could make you all fear!

Jock:
Tulip, fire and brimstone -
Right away
That's the way they go
Every day
Whenever they read the Bible, you know
Hard work for sure
They mind their business for good
There's nothing like a Calvinist girl
Who is frugal and rich
who will sew 'nother stitch

Larry:
She is stingy and mean,
My little Calvinist girl

Chorus:
Chosen in God's name!
Calvinist girls
They make Jews to shame!
Calvinist girls
Irresistible grace!
They know how make money
So send me a dozen
Calvinist girls
Ooooooh!
Calvinist girls
Ooooooh!

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Rob Arndt - May 30, 2012 - Report this comment

Another nice one Susanna- 555!

Susanna Viljanen - May 30, 2012 - Report this comment

Nice you liked it :-) Frank Zappa's original was a satire of the apparent double standards of Catholic youths and the Catholic girls' alleged promiscuity and horniness. I attempted to satirize something from the other end of the religious scale. I myself have grown up in Lutheran culture, and Lutherans are somewhere in-between the Catholics and Calvinists. Religious parodies and satires are always dangerous - the border between satire and blasphemy is very thin. I don't dare to do "Islamic Girls" - it could be interpreted into something very scandalous, and given to VERY poor sense of the Muslims, it might cost me my life. But the stereotype of the Calvinist - a dour, rude, haughty, greedy, complacent, fanatic and avaricious - is a free target for satirizing.

Rob Arndt - May 30, 2012 - Report this comment

Susanna, do you have any naval parodies planned? I am considering the German Flakschiff Niobe caught at Kotka Harbor. She was attacked by 132 Soviet bombers and fighters and put up a fierce AA barrage that downed 10 planes but was hit. As she slowly sunk her superstructure was largely above the water and the flak guns kept firing until the end. She had heavier armament installed of 8x 105mm flak guns, 4x 40mm, and 4x 20mm, but had no Bf 109 air cover!!!

Patrick - May 31, 2012 - Report this comment

Caught this one rather late. Interested to see your use of the name Reverend Phelps. Is this man known in Finland? He is the preacher from Topeka, Kansas infamous for protesting at the funerals of AIDS victims and soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan. I met him many years ago.

Susanna Viljanen - June 01, 2012 - Report this comment

Unfortunately, Fred Phelps is a household name here. He had attacked our President some six years ago and threatened to burn the Finnish flag publicly. As retaliation, a group of Finnish hackers defaced his website. What makes the situation especially nasty is that WBC actually represents Calvinism on its purest - and most perverse - form. Phelps especially hates Lutherans, because a Swedish Lutheran girl managed to estrange his oldest son from his family cult. In Scandinavia, Calvinism is considered as an extremist cult. I attempted to use Dutch, Swiss, Scottish and South African names as Zappa used Irish, Italian and Spanish names on his song.

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