And the ham tries out on Broadway

He's trying for "Cats" again
Opened with 12 bars of "Ben"
The Talent Scout's bow tie's undone
Casting audition no longer fun
Yawning sleepily-- "this guy just blows!"
Same old ending, "You can go!"
"Get out!"
He cannot stop his starring scheme
Yet he has no talent, he lives in a dream
And the ham tries out on Broadway

Chorus lifers feel the pain
He tries "Zorba" again
Such emoting, God it hurts
To see his acting--oi, it's the worst
His voice is cracked, sounds like a toad
And he can't dance, he's pigeon toed
He works at the Subway
Really untalented auditioning kid
Wants the spotlight, it stays hid
As the ham tries out on Broadway

This ham tries to keep up the pace
But the Broadway showgirls start to laughing in his face
On stage, he's laid bare
Brings a silence to the air
Not in neon lights, the kid is none too bright
No director's picked him
For "The Lion King", nor "Movin' Out"
Really untalented auditioning kid
Wipes his eyes, don't know how bad he did
And the ham strikes out on Broadway

Now he's tired, he's all done
No money, twenty bucks all gone
Remember how the Director treated you with scorn?
He thought your piece from "Assassins" was corn
Thoughtless moron! He is so blind
He don't need me, I know his kind
I'm REAL!
"Something's Coming", my life has begun
"Just You Wait", I'll be The One
As the ham comes down from Broadway

They say his tights are outasight, on Broadway
They say his singing's tragic, so's his hair