(instrumental opening)

In a little while, I'm told
we all should go out to bowl.
I promised myself
I'd treat myself
to a rare good set of rolls.
But I just can't compete.
Dropped big ball on my feet
in an effort to
get the ball on through
but it ends up in the gutter
leaving me to shout
nasty word that starts with "mother"!
And it gets laughs from Pip and Spaff
and Bernard, my evil brother.
But Ann has an idear
that we should try this year:
Use gnomes as pins, naturally!

To think that only yesterday
they drove Arwen away.
In an effort to
make it clear that you
shouldn't send bad vibes her way
Miss Hammond had the thought
and go with it, I think we ought.
So we'll pull 'em up
and we'll line 'em up
from the lawn onto our alley.
Now, at the line is Mike
and a strike, it seems I'm rolling.
I rolled that rock, and what a shock.
Seems now, I'm good at bowling!
And in my hour of need
the idea was good, indeed!
Use gnomes as pins, naturally!

It seems to me that there are more gnomes
resting on the lawns
just doing nothin'.
Hollow, no stuffin'.
What do they do?
What do they do?

(instrumental break)

Use gnomes as pins, naturally!

And looking back over the years
as the Amiright gang drinks beers
I remember how I cried
when my scoring died
and Bernard and Malcolm gave me sneers.
And at sixty-four years old
my father still cannot bowl.
I can't understand
how there's not one man
in the family who can do it!
Leaving me to start
feet apart and not together
but garden gnomes are my new jones.
They're making me bowl better.
And when they're knocked away
we cheer and cheer all day!
Use gnomes as pins, naturally!

Use gnomes as pins!
Naturally!