[ THE BLUE SPOT FADES TO BLACK. THE STAGE IS DARK ]



NARRATOR
Angelina is so distressed about her evil father that Brad offers to phone him and deal with his ridiculous demands.

BRAD
Y'know, Ange, it's about time that good ole boy got what's coming to him. He can't keep asking for reconciliation if it upsets you like this. It's like he don't hear a WORD you're saying..only the echoes of your mind.

[SOUND OF PHONE DIALLING]

BRAD
Hello. Jon Voight please

JON VOIGHT
This is he

BRAD
Jon Voight, this is Brad Pitt - the bloke who bonked your daughter for 6 hours straight in an African Villager's hut. Now, you keep saying you want to see Angelina, but.


[ A BLUE SPOT FADES UP, HIGHLIGHTING A SINGLE CHAIR IN THE MIDDLEOF AN EMPTY STAGE. BRAD PITT IS SITTING ON THE CHAIR TALKING INTO A PHONE]

"Don't Try To See Angelina"
Parody by Stuart McArthur

BRAD
it won't be easy,
Jon, to arrange
a chat to explain how you feel
Like in Mission Impossible, YOU'RE the bad guy
I know you made her
a grunt then a squirt - yep you knew what to do
but thirty years on she is now
at sixes and sevens with you

I wouldn't try to force it
she's Lara Croft
and she knows how to handle a knife
and the blood of a man "has-been" ink to her quill
but she found virtue
kick-boxing round those Cambodian hills
adopting young kids everywhere
(which noone expected her to)

Don't try to see Angelina
The truth is she's still pissed at you
you midlife cowboy
so her existence
you'd best keep track of
from a safe distance

And as for fortune
and as for fame
she's got both in buckets, you see
plus her babies, big lips, and those sizzling sex sprees
so Ange is fine, thanks
she's not the head-freezer that she seems to be
I think you stuffed up Jonny boy
a bad parent, ap-parent-ly

so
don't try to see Angelina
because, mate, if it were easy
Jen would have been here
with guns ablazing
(she gets REAL angry)
(it's quite amazing)

Have I made my point?
There's nothing more I can think of to say to you
so do what I say, mate, please!
or I'll be in...
the...
poo

DON'T TRY TO SEE ANGELINA!