When we logged onto the Internet
We didn’t know we’d be so far away
That was our mistake
To not pack some kind of map inside
Cause the page has got so curled
It’s too hard to read the directions
And now we look like fools
Wasting gas on random road trip rides

Kim needs the potty every hour we don’t have time
It serves you good for drinking too much Sprite
Bladder’s flowing like a kettle so you’re starting to whine
Flowing like a kettle so you’re starting to whine
C’mon! Hold it in!
Please! C’mon! One more mile!

Cause it’s South Dakota’s state line we crossed
That’s nowhere near Florida we are so dang lost!

In the front wife shouts it
“Our exit you missed!
I’m too low on caffeine
So I’m getting pissed!”

Now the kids all shout it
Nothing I can do about it
MapQuest said reroute it
Must they all persist?!

I’m in charge of this machine
So give it a rest!

“Daddy” piped up little Bart
“Put my tape into the stereo
With the alphabet song
And that one that goes: Wheels on the bus”

Though I want to tell him “No”
Because that kid music’s pathetic
I stare at my wife she gives me the stink eye
So I mumble “Alright”
And put that awful kid crap on

Right now my Chevy’s shaking and that don’t seem right
Checked under the hood but I’m not too bright
Cause it’s bouncing like a rabbit with a bad sugar high
Bouncing like a rabbit with a bad sugar high
Oh man! What’s that noise?
Man oh man! What’s that noise?!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

A cop’s lights are flashing and I heave a sigh
I pray for some advice but I am in fright
I roll down the window and he won’t read rights
(No, He won’t read rights)
“Tire popped off now here’s a fine”

Lucky I brought a spare
So now we are back to our quest
Florida must be worth it
Because I’m so stressed
Pulled out hair and hear me scream
Because I’m so…

We’re gonna drive through the whole dang night
We’re gonna drive all the way through the dang night
Going to stock up Monster cans and Sprite
Going to stock up Monster cans and tons of Sprite
We’re gonna drive through the whole dang night
We’re gonna drive all the way through the dang night
Going to stock up Monster cans and Sprite
Going to stock up Monster cans and tons of Sprite

(Wife as the Navigator reading off of MapQuest)
Alright time to go!
Quickly pass by these hookers over here!
This town wish it was gone
Locked doors, Kids don’t look outside
There’s the on-ramp, So do not miss!
Put foot down on the pedal watch the speed though
Here it’s 65
I need to quench my thirst, Here’s a rest stop pull off now
Sorry that I had to make you stall
You want a can on Sunkist?
Look at all of these flyers I’ll grab some of those (A bunch of those)
Now it’s time to get dispersed
No more slumps, Won’t pout
“This road’s paved by the United States?”
Of course what an pointless sign to put there
Hun, Look at that license plate! I’m bewitched
Wyoming, I want one like that but I’m from New York
Turn this road and stay alert
Look! A barn and a cow isn’t this great?!
You know what they say about the country air
But to me it’s horse-butt and I’m turned off
Turn right at this corner
Next ramp
Keep driving, driving till Florida’s state line
I feel a sneeze is stuck…
Here it comes, Achoo! My hands are so gross
Flyers helped, We should arrive there by 8
Holy cow! I think we’ve hit Las Vegas!

(Husband)
Stop right there!
Give me that MapQuest page!
While we’re aiming for Florida
Hit Sin City!
Now my last nerve is severed!
This ain’t Disney!
This trip is so shitty!
I’ve stuck to maps and compasses all of my life
That web site is so strange and it causes me strife
I am so peeved!
Trickery wasn’t clever!
I was deceived!
Kids want to see Mickey!
This vacation’s so crappy I just want to go home
But if I stick to MapQuest I’ll be somewhere in Rome!
I’m going to have a cow
Before we go any further
I’ll buy a map!
To fix this whole disaster!

(Wife)
Let me look at this!
Hubby, Hubby let’s look over this!
Let’s see the address
Before you start yelling and storming

What is the address?
For Walt Disney what is the address?
Says “Ceaser’s Palace”
Perhaps we should have read this closely

It’s an easy fix
Hubby, Hubby it’s an easy fix
California’s six
Hours away and they have Disney

(Husband)
But that’s not where I want!
The kids trust me!
To bring them on vacation!
They believed me!
Your web site deceived me!
What about Bob and Mary who were paying our price
They’re the kids aunt and uncle seeing them would be nice
We’re in Vegas downtown!
You can see Siegfried’s panther
Don’t you agree?
This trip was a disaster!

Little Bart looks annoyed because of this pointless ride
Little Kim looks annoyed… MapQuest sucks!
Even you are annoyed…
Map… Quest… Sucks!

(Wife)
It was a mistake!
Hubby, Hubby just an accident!
A number mistake!
We can go to Florida next vacation!

(Husband and Wife bicker back and forth)
We’re going to go right now!
(Get a GPS!)
Go to Disney! Will we get there whenever!
(Hubby, Hubby buy a GPS!)
We’ll see Mickey! The kids will be happy!
(Get a GPS!)
All this MapQuest garbage has caused me to gripe!
(MapQuest works if you don’t mess up! Mess up!)
We will get on Space Mountain if it takes half my life!
(MapQuest works if you don’t mess up!)
We’re going to go right now!
That MapQuest is a cancer!
Since I’m driving!
We’ll get a map to Orlando!

Get a map to it!
Use MapQuest it is better!
I am sick of it!
But MapQuest is much better!

(Husband)
I couldn’t stand to hear her bicker drove in a daze
I kept driving wasting money on gas by the tank
I couldn’t stand to hear her diss the old fashioned way
I kept on driving till we saw French mimes
And now my four year old kids are nine!

So now I’m blogging this stuff online!
To warn you of this web site
Cause if there’s a business trip that you have to get to
You’ll be fired before you ever arrive
Can’t get you to your neighbors or just down the street
But my wife still says this site can’t be beat
I’m warning you of this website before you’re all screw-ew-ewed!
MapQuest dot com’s it name
Buy a map although it’s crude!

There was far to go and we drove for days
And wife and me bickered all along the way
There was far to go and we drove for days
And wife and me bickered all along the way
That web site’s no good, Yup it really bites!
Cause we were driving till the metal rusted out my engine…
There was far to go and we drove for days
And wife and me bickered all along the way
That web site’s no good, Yup it really bites!
Cause we were driving till the metal rusted out my engine…