Stay put, Waggie, I think I stepped into a trail of poo
You can't remember what they taught you back at canine school
You gnawed my sneakers and shoes
And you even cleaved The News
Oh, Waggie, the wood has been pried from the floor

I kept you, a wayward hound
Just to save you from being put down
You stole my heart, and now you steal my shirts

I scorn your fun, pen you in your place, steely rover cage
But that's not working, I'm stunned, as you find an opening
You lapped up all of my coke
My lovers didn't see the joke
Oh, Waggie, I stood and I cried and deplored

You wrecked ev'rything I owned
Misbehaved, you were seeking a bone
You soiled my clothes and splashed a stain on my new knit couch

How I pleaded you'd descend to bend to my demands
But you spurned the useless stutters and mutters I would utter, ignored my shouts
All you did was retch instead
And in the morning lick my lips in bed
Oh, Waggie, I should've been wise to the score

They bred you to play and roam
But you didn't want to leave the home
You'd scold and bark and look so peeved and mystified

[Instrumental break]

I propose I should reject your looks and clever knack to rule
And wield a paddling tool to make you quiver for a-laying stools
Or whine and yell and shock with my hand
Decree I'm in command
Oh, Waggie, I wish you'd never disobeyed

You laid the worst-ass pool of debris
But I'm resigned to your drool and fleas
You howl and fart, but I love your wayward ways

[Instrumental break]

Waggie, I wish I'd never had you spayed
I'm gettin' you cloned, one of these days

Oh-hoh-hoh