They rode up today in a wagon
Hoss and a Spice Girl
Gossipy tongues were a-waggin'
Hoss and a Spice Girl

All of them are living with a Cartwright
Reaping the bonanza of his love
In their eyes it's Baby against Ginger against Sporty
With Posh and Mel
Under his spell
Basking in his manly smells

They crave his musk
(crave his musk)
They stroke his husk
(stroke his husk)
Try to ring his wedding bells

Oh...can't they see his love is deadly
(Hoss love is lethal, Hoss love is lethal)
When a Cartwright male is wed
Pretty soon the bride is dead
His very own papa had three
Who gave birth, then died suddenly

Oh...this courtship may end badly
(Hoss love is lethal, Hoss love is lethal)
Consummation under tons
Of Hoss' giant bouncing buns
Can Baby Spice withstand the strain
When Moby Cowboy rides again
(Hoss love is lethal, Hoss love is lethal)

Every one of them is Hoss romancing
Every Spice is seasoning his beans
Every one excells at saddle dancing
With Spicy charm, out in the barn
Who will boil his turnip greens

Come on big guy
(on big guy)
You've got to try
(got to try)
Keep that gerkin in your jeans

Oh...can't you see the girls are scheming
(so many Spices, so many Spices)
Scheming to become the boss, the undisputed Mrs. Hoss
To knock the others for a loss
And hit them with a Cartwright cross

Oh...and with their foul quintuple-teaming
(so many Spices, so many Spices)
Baby, Ginger, and Mel B
Sporty, Posh, just leave Hoss be
He only wants a side of beef and apple pie
Cooked by Hop Sing...
(so many Spices, so many Spices)

They rode up today in a wagon
Hoss and a Spice Girl
Gossipy tongues were a-waggin'
Hoss and a Spice Girl

So many Spices, so many vices
Keepin' Hoss with a Spice Girl
So many Spices, so many vices
Keepin' Hoss with a Spice Girl