I'm a student, woe is me, need a new course of study.
Be specific, with my living, whatever shall I do?
There's marketing, television, oh help me with my decision,
Economics, legal studies, oh what shall I do?

Polisci, English, queer studies, catching fish,
Cogsci, Astronomy, European history,
German language, scene painting, compsci with no engineering,
Celtic studies, Romance lit, creative writing mysteries!

CHORUS:
I've got a phony major,
My brain gears stopped turning
But at least I'm "learning."
I've got a phony major,
My degree, well it
Won't be worth my dog's spit.

City planning, forestry, mass comm and geology
Humanities, architecture, education.
Wood science, feng shui, landscaping and carpetry
Public health, social welfare, journalism.

Classes to make ice cream, studying those "wet dreams"
Art history, AfroAm, mythology, modern dance.
Argot, linguistics, philosophy, anthro,
Losing grace, losing face, I can't tell my parents!

CHORUS:

Fifty books, can't learn jack, endless prattle, they're on crack!
Potheads tell me lies, watch as my brain cells die.
Rhetoric, dramatic arts don't rank on the power charts,
All these majors I have tried, now I'll commit suicide.

Get a real job! Well spoke. Make money? What a joke!
Tried to work for Cisco, management's a no-go,
Moved to trash duty, No one has respect for me,
I wish that I'd been told phony majors really blow.

CHORUS:

Easy grades, dumb friends, lots of five-day weekends,
Vision slipping, what a strange sensation,
Studying Arabia, shunning bouts of mania,
Business admin, wrote the same paper again.

John Locke, who's next? Talking Plato with the ex,
Bad hair day, turning gray, wond'ring if I will get paid?

CHORUS:

Peace revolts, protesting, spewing bovine excrement,
Wood shop, class dropped, legalize cheap pot,
Begin begging, just one night, hold a decent hunger strike!
Grandiose master plans ending up in the bedpan,
What misfortune, nerves are fried, contemplating genocide,
Drowned in debt, grooming pets, working tables, lousy tips!
Low analytic scores sent me mopping up the floor
Or walking the streets as a whore--why did I not study more?

I've got a phony major,
You know graduating
Isn't such a big thing
When you've got a phony major,
Once you're out of school
You'll be scrubbing pools and pools and pools....

CHORUS: