(Intro: opening bars of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"...
played on that most Western of instruments, the harmonica.)

Go drop all your snobbery.
"The Great Train Robbery"
was filmed over a century ago.
What Edison hath wrought
inspired lots of thought
and moving pictures set out
sayin', "Westward, ho!"

I'm talkin' Westerns!
Tom Mix and Harry Carey.
Talkin' Westerns!
John Carradine, Wallace Beery.
And Walter Brennan usually played a kook.
We watched 'em all from Boston to Dubuque.
Especially Gary, Randy and the Duke.

Roy Rogers riding Trigger.
Gene Autry's songs were bigger.
And Big Jim Arness was Marshal Dillon.
"Maverick" on Sunday nights.
"Bonanza"'s four Cartwrights.
And Ike was readin' those Luke Short books in Washington.

I'm talkin' Westerns!
Like "Wagon Train," "Lone Ranger."
Talkin' Westerns!
And Paladin, tall stranger.
And Lee Van Cleef just made you want to puke.
We watched 'em all from Boston to Dubuque.
Especially Gary, Randy and the Duke.

Now, my old friend, the bachelor
well, he swore he rode the Oklahoma plains.
And Curly left school early to go and see the Duke.
And me, I always loved Randolph Scott.
Those Western films were hot!

We're long past the Fifties
and Eastwood's films were nifty
and "Blazing Saddles" had sight gags and puns.
Costner blows the bucks.
Make sure this ain't one that sucks.
And a Cowboy's layin' down the law in Washington!

I'm talkin' Westerns!
Tom Selleck and Gene Hackman!
Talkin' Westerns!
"Oklahoma!" with Hugh Jackman!
To the genre "Lonesome Dove" was true.
If AFI is callin', it's no fluke.
They'll be with Gary, Randy and the Duke.
Gary, Randolph and the Duke.
(John Wayne, John Wayne, John Wayne.)
It was Gary, Randy and the Duke.
(John Wayne, John Wayne, John Wayne.)
I'm talkin' Gary, Randy and the Duke.
(John Wayne, John Wayne, John Wayne.)
(repeat 'til fading off into the sunset)