EXECUTRIX: As the executrix of Ms. Clinton's estate, I have been empowered to read Ms. Clinton's Last Will And Testament.
PUDGE: Well, get on with it, the health club opens soon.
JENNY: Oh, poor, dear Hillary! Waaaa!
FRANK: Oh, there, there, Jenny.
BAXTER: My, how predictably boring.
JENNY: Your cat talks????
BAXTER: Yes, and if you don't be quiet I will sink my teeth into you.
EXECUTRIX: If we are all seated, I shall proceed with the reading.
FRANK: [sarcastically] I can hardly wait.
BAXTER: [sarcastically] Ho ho ho.
EXECUTRIX: "I, Hillary Rodham Clinton, being of sound mind and body..."
PUDGE: That's a crock!
EXECUTRIX: "...do hereby divide up my partially unlawfully obtained estate as follows. To my overly emotional sister, Jenny..."
JENNY: Who???
FRANK: Jenny, darling, he's talking about us.
JENNY: Oh.
EXECUTRIX: "...who, along with her husband, Frank, continually begged me for Meow Mix to feed their STUPID cat, and then cried crocodile tears when Buddy died..."
JENNY: What?
FRANK: Buddy was her dog.
JENNY: Oh.
EXECUTRIX: "...To Jenny, I leave a kick in the crotch."
JENNY: A what?
*WHOMP!*
JENNY: OW!!!
FRANK: Jenny, are you okay?
EXECUTRIX: "...and a kick in the balls to her wimpy husband, Frank."
*WHOMP!*
FRANK: OW!!!
PUDGE: [sings] You're a mean one, Mrs. Grinch....
JENNY: How can she do this???
EXECUTRIX: "And a kick in the balls for that STUPID CAT!!!"
*WHOMP!*
BAXTER: OWWW!!!! You wanna get bit???
EXECUTRIX: "...ah, but still, you are my sister, you have both admired my cat Socks, and since I no longer need him..."
JENNY: Oh, we get another cat??
FRANK: Looks like it.
BAXTER: Oh, brother....
EXECUTRIX: "...I bequeath another kick in the crotch."
JENNY: What?
*WHOMP!*
JENNY: OW!!! I'm getting cramps!!
PUDGE: I wonder if Ms. Clinton ever got any?
BAXTER: I'm starting to get cramps.
EXECUTRIX: "And one more for the Frank."
*WHOMP!*
HANK: OOOOOOHH!!!
EXECUTRIX: "And another one for their INFERNAL CAT!"
*WHOMP!*
BAXTER: Awright, that does it!!!
*BITE!!!*
EXECUTRIX: OWWWWW!!!!!
FRANK: Down, boy! DOWN!!!
BAXTER: Let that be a lesson to you, lady!
EXECUTRIX: "Next, to my alcoholic brother, Pudge, whose real name is Roger..."
PUDGE: Hey, I don't want no kick in the balls!
EXECUTRIX: "...to dear Pudge, the drug addict who has never worked a day in his stoned life..."
PUDGE: I'm covering up my manhood!
EXECUTRIX: "...I leave my meth lab and three crates of my finest crack."
PUDGE: Really?
EXECUTRIX: "And a kick in the balls."
*WHOMP!*
PUDGE: OWWW!!!
EXECUTRIX: "And another one for Jenny and Frank."
*WHOMP!*
JENNY: OW!!!
*WHOMP!*
FRANK: OOOOOOH!!!!! I am not going to survive this....
EXECUTRIX: "And another one for their MISEARBLE CAT!!!"
*WHOMP!*
*RRREEEEEEOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!*
*BITE*
EXECUTRIX: OWWWWW!!!!!!!!!
JENNY: Baxter, please!!!! The lady has a job to do!
BAXTER: If she kicks me one more time, she won't be around to finish her job.
EXECUTRIX: "Next, to my dysfunctional husband Bill..."
BILL: Ah guesh ah'm in fer it now....
EXECUTRIX: "...I leave a kick in the balls, in the unlikely event he has any. And as his former wife, I ought to know!"
*WHOMP!*
BILL: OW!! Ah knew it. That wuhman never did lahk me....
EXECUTRIX: "And one for Jenny and Frank."
*WHOMP!*
JENNY: OWW!!!
*WHOMP!*
FRANK: UGGHHHHH! UGGGHHHH!!!! I think I'm about to throw up....
BAXTER: Not on me, you don't!
EXECUTRIX: And another one for that DEMON-POSSESSED CAT of theirs!!!
BAXTER: Speak for yourself, lady!!!
*WHOMP!*
[catfight ensues. The Executrix survives, but is badly scratched when Frank finally pulls Baxter from her with sufficient force to dislodge his teeth and claws]
EXECUTRIX: "This takes care of family obligations. And now, to Mrs. Gore..."
MRS. GORE: Oh, uh, I don't want anything.
EXECUTRIX: "...who supported me through Bill's antics for eight long years, who cared, made me laugh, brought me tea..."
MRS. GORE: Oh, I didn't mind. I was hoping to take your place!
EXECUTRIX: "To Mrs. Gore, I bequeath a kick in the crotch."
*WHOMP!*
MRS. GORE: OW!!
MR. GORE: Yes, honey?
EXECUTRIX: "And Mr. Gore, too. I wouldn't want to leave him out!"
*WHOMP!*
MR. GORE: Ow. That hurt.
EXECUTRIX: "And another one for Jenny and Frank."
*WHOMP!*
JENNY: OW!!!! My cramps! My cramps!
*WHOMP!*
FRANK: UHHHH!!! Is there a doctor in the house?
EXECUTRIX: "And so, to my cat Socks, I leave my entire vast...kick in the balls!"
*WHOMP!*
*REEEEEOWWWWW!*
*HISSSSSSSSS*
EXECUTRIX "And another one for that OBNOXIOUS Baxter!!!!"
*WHOMP!*
[another catfight ensues, but this time the Executrix defends herself with a can of mace].
EXECUTRIX: "And finally, to my lawyer and former partner in the Rose Law Firm, who has helped me on this will, I leave not a kick in the crotch...but two angry cats, to be placed in her panties?!" Ooohhh!! Oh, huh huh huh huh, and, and, "...and I leave my entire estate of $100 million to the people of Little Rock so they can afford to move somewhere decent!" Huh.
FRANK: Is that it?
BAXTER [just coming to after the Executrix's mace attack]: That BETTER be it.
PUDGE: What a bitch!!
EXECUTRIX: There's one last thing for everyone.
PUDGE: Cover your private parts, everybody!
BILL: Lahk ah shoulda done with that Monica lass....
EXECUTRIX: "I leave everyone a lifetime supply of homemade cookies."
FRANK: Cookies?
PUDGE: Cookies?
BILL: Cuhkies, that's awl?
EXECUTRIX: That's all.
MRS. GORE: Well, what flavor are they?
BILL: Choclut chip, ah hope....
EXECUTRIX: Kick in the crotch!
*WHOMP!* *WHOMP!* *WHOMP!* *WHOMP!* *WHOMP!* *WHOMP!*
[Double catfight ensues. This time the Executrix does not survive, necessitating another legal proceeding.]
ALL: OWWWWW!!!!