Girls and Guys of the class of ’08…apply lip balm.

If you only remember one thing you read in the next few minutes or so, make this it.

While I’m sure the long term effects of lip balm have been found by scientists, I’m too much of a lazy butt to look it up. Just the same, whatever’s posted here is as much fact as the graffiti you read on a bathroom stall.

I will continue this unsupported rant…now.

Don’t procrastinate. Never mind. You will not understand the value of time until you’re almost out of it. Hell, I’m writing this because I don’t want to do an essay on China in the 19th century. I’m sure in about two days, when this essay is due, I’ll recall in a way I can’t grasp right now how useless writing this parody really was.

Traffic is not as bad as you imagine (it’s worse).

I believe Mary Schmich said it best-wear sunscreen. Well wear it, but know that not applying it evenly is about as effective as not applying it at all. Otherwise you’ll wake up with a freaking red handprint tattooed on your leg. And you’ll regret it the next idle Tuesday when you want to wear shorts.

Do one thing every day that makes others question your sanity.

Listen.

Don’t look at people strange when they fart; don’t let it bother you when people look at you strange when you do the same.

Walk.

Don’t get involved in drama. Sometimes you’re the center of it, sometimes you’ll have to advise others on it. But for the most part, in the end, you’ll end up with a headache despite an empty bottle of aspirin.

Remember the good moments; forget the embarrassing ones. If you manage to make a pill that does this, sell it to me.

Keep your old pictures, throw away bad test grades

Draw.

Don’t feel guilty if you let loose every once in a while. Skipping an appointment or telling a small lie is a part of every day life, and there isn’t a single person on this Earth who’s perfect.

Drink plenty of water.

It deserves repeating – be kind to your knees. If you’re anything like me, they’re probably already half gone.

Maybe you’ll find a job, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll stay with your current love, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll get an apartment, maybe you’ll still be living with your parents when you’re thirty. Whatever happens, don’t worry about it too much. As long as you’re living life the hardest you can, you’ll find your place in the world. Enjoy your education; use it every chance you get. Whatever level it is, whether you got it from your mother or Harvard, it’s one of the greatest tools you’ll ever have.

Write. Even if the only thing you can come up with is a crappy sonnet on writer’s block.

Ask for directions, even if you’re pretty sure you know where you’re going.

Do NOT care what anyone else thinks of you, they won’t be there when you’re on your own.

Get to know your friends; you never know when they’ll be pissed at you for good.

Be nice to your parents. They created your past, and the people most likely to back you up when you need cash in the future.

Understand that people come and go, but for your family you should hold on. Work hard to keep that connection in your life, because the older you get, the rarer unconditional love becomes.

Live with a group of people once, but move out before they drive you insane. Live by yourself once, but find a roommate before you start talking to yourself.

Think.

Accept certain undeniable truths. People will be mean, pop culture will go downhill, you too will get old. Then you’ll indulge in the fantasy that when you were little, people were nice, and those were quality songs on the radio.

Respect your mentors.

Don’t expect your opinion to matter to anyone. Maybe you’ll have a famous spouse, maybe your family owns a chain of hotels, but attention is not the same thing as admiration.

Be careful whose guidance you follow, but consider it as another path to take. You never know who’s trying to screw you over, or trying to manipulate you, so your best bet is to go by your intuition.

But trust me on the lip balm.