Gosh, it annoys me to see you, Gaston
Being the strange dude you are
Every guy here cannot stand you, Gaston
When you come down to the bar

There's no man in town as goofy as you
You're everyone's gullible guy
Everyone's scared and embarrassed by you
And there's so many reasons for why

No...one's...dumb as Gaston
No one's weird as Gaston
No one picks their nose out in public like Gaston

But his name is reallly pronounced "Gas-Tun"
It's French, he'd always boast
Nothing cool like Tom, Moe, or Justin
But it's really the next part that bugs us the most

No one burps like Gaston
Or farts loud like Gaston
No one writes their initials with pee like Gaston
As a stupid-head, yes, he's so disgusting
My what a dope that Gaston!

Gaston is a wimp; no bark, no bite
He even sleeps with a teddy bear at night

No...one...smells like Gaston
Has B.O. like Gaston
In the morning no one has bad breath like Gaston

For he claims he's too manly for tooth-care
And he says real men don't take baths
He's a poison to our precious air...so gross!
But his foolish pride is what bring all the laughs

No one cries like Gaston
No one whines like Gaston
No one throws a big temper tantrum like Gaston
And sometimes he runs down the street butt-naked
Cover your eyes, it's Gaston

He chews all his food with his mouth open wide
And he watches Barney everyday
He knows all the songs and he sings them with pride
So I hope he's not planning to stay

No...one...skips like Gaston
Wears spandex like Gaston
Or goes dancing around in pink skirts like Gaston
His feminine side makes him so flamboyant
My what a flame...Gaston!

Now, wait, I'm afraid it's not over
I've just been handed this note
It seems Gaston's having a performance
And we're invited to come, he wrote

Now we all have been sitting and thinking
And we all think that it is OK
We all know that Gaston loves to dress-up and prance
So right now let's go watch his ballet

No...one...sprints like Gaston
Does the splits like Gaston
I wish I could do those same moves like Gaston
I can't believe he can yodel in the nude
I wanna be...Gaston! *whew*

(Cheers and roars from the audience)