[We open to a man watching TV, blowing his nose and popping some aspirin.
Suddenly, a commercial happens!]

How well are you feeling?
Those meds - have they done the best they can?
Maybe you should try Gastol!
(Yeah right)
Feel sick? Feel woozy? Feel like you're damn well near dead?
Is it more than you can bear?
(Oh yeah)
What now? What will help? Maybe this?
(What? What?! Tell me! Ad man, you've got to tell me what this pill is!)

AD MAN:
Have you ever felt disturbed and distressed?
Ever felt down in the dumps?
We've got something that is simply the best
Ev'ryone's giving it thumbs!
There's no drug in town as inspired as this
It's ev'ryone's favourite pill
All of your troubles fly by with a whisk
Whether you're at death's door or just ill

Nothing heals like Gastol
Nothing cures like Gastol
Nothing clears up a mountain of zits like Gastol!
For there's no drug in town half as useful
It even tops Fuckitol
It's so small ten of thems a teaspoonful
But it's so powerful ten pills would kill us all!

No one's found that Gastol
Is worse than Panadol
If they have, it's because they haven't tried Gastol!
For a medicine, it's even awesome-tasting
My what a drug, this Gastol!

Four out of five
Doctors would give
Gastol for your ills
The fifth doc's a dumb-shit

Nothing mends like Gastol
Remedies like Gastol
In the testing phase, nothing scored high as Gastol!
For there's nothing that's quite as flexible
There's no pain that it can't at least dull
But the thing that's really the best of all
(What's that?)
The pill is ironic'lly shaped like a skull!

Headache splits? Try Gastol
Got the shits? Try Gastol
Even if you've got troublesome nits, try Gastol!
It's especially good when your stomach's failing
(Oh goody!)
One more for Gastol!

To choose the right taste, it took four dozen tries
Each test subject just spat it right out
But we didn't quit, took us five dozen tries
Hope we've got all the kinks ironed out!

Nothing cures like Gastol
Heals all ills like Gastol
Or has many fatal side effects like Gastol!
We did not sing the last line, you must be joking
God, what a drug
Gastol!

(Commercial stops happening. The man seems happy, when suddenly:)

NEWS! News bulletin!
(...the hell?)
News flash, it's important! Listen up...
Have you heard of the pill Gastol?
(Yeah?)
Well, don't buy it! I-it's so toxic you'll DIE!
(Whoah! Slow down, news guy. Why's this pill so bloody deadly?)
Can't tell! Too horrible just to tell!
[Slight pause as the viewer stares at the TV set, unimpressed]
(Will it cause headaches?)
Yes!
(Will it clog up my bowels?)
Faster than a cheetah!
(Will it blur my eyes?)
Not quite, they will explode!
(Okay, that's weird. You sure you're right?)
I am! So please don't take that Gastol! Don't!
[Man turns TV off]
That was some weird news
How did he know what I asked?
Maybe Steven knows, hmm?
Maybe I'll call Steve, hmm

[Obviously, the man calls Steve]

THE MAN (STEVE):
Hey Steve, have you seen the recent news?
(That bit about Gastol?)
Yeah, that
I had just seen before an ad for it
(With the ad man who must be on crack)
Now the wheels in my head have been turning
Since the ad mentioned its side effects
(Yeah, that bit looked quite suss, why'd they keep that bit in?
But you don't know the worst of it yet)

(First, it (whispers))
Eurgh...
(Then it (whispers))
No! That's just..
((whispers) bits!)
That's disturbing!
(I know!)

BOTH:
Nothing kills like Gastol
THE MAN:
Takes shortcuts like Gastol
STEVE:
Advertises its own side effects (honest, y'all)!
BOTH:
So it's recall is what we will now be planning
Thank you, news guy!
A lot!

[And off they went, to plan the demise of this deadly "wonder drug". Will they be successful? Will they fail miserably? The world may never know...unless I decide to write a follow-up that is]