- [Christmas Blues]:

Hear my groan on Christmas Day
Since this robe is pink and bright!
Hear my moan on Christmas Day
That square globe's filled with termites!
Poker playing dog art
Grandpa's package is such a plight!

- [Christmas Rock]:

When I first saw these I yanked off all that string
Hoped for an X-Box or Wii or some... fun thing!
Go shove your kindness up your 'hind with your polka-dot fleece
Grandma's stuffing junk underneath my tree

Don't want bath soap or fuzzy dice
Let's send 'em back... For a good price!

Mom gave me a vegan cook book
She knows I wanted a pup but she is such a crook
(Don't want your stupid present, Present sucks!)
I wanted more board games not this bird cage
Pickle jars are such a shame!

Kinky sex rope's from my friend Clyde?!
Let's send 'em back... "You're not my type!"

Let's send 'em back... Wilted banzai
(Let's send 'em back) Gimme Baileys!
Huge porno stack... That's far from dry!
(Let's send 'em back) This wig's flakey!

-[Christmas Guitar Solo]:

Y'all gift real bad: Have ya seen a damn mall?!
Who wraps up ten feet of lumber or a blow up dooooooooooll?!
This parcel that I dread: Gave me a huge fright!
Heard a loud meow... Hope that cat's alright!

You're such a dope: Singing walleye
Let's send it back, That's not a prize!

You should be smacked... Because you're high
(Cut out the crack) Cat has rabies!
Trapped in this shack... With white trash guys!
(We'll send 'em back) Shop at Macy's!

-[Christmas Outro]: