Well I kinda remember it now lookin' back
It was the summer I turned eighteen
We lived in a beat-up Air-Stream trailer
On the outskirts of New Orleans

We didn't have money for booze or chips
To say the least, we were hard up
Then Daddy bought me some skintight pants
And a rhinestone athletic cup

Daddy washed and scrubbed and cleaned me up
And shaved the hair off of my back
Then I stepped into those skintight pants
And they split in the middle clean up my crack

They were black shiny Spandex
And they looked real good
And staring back from the mirror was a sex machine
Where a half-assed virgin once stood

He said, "Here's your one chance Pansy, don't let me down"
Here's your one chance Pansy, don't let me down

Daddy slapped some Hai Karate on my neck
And did a double-take
And I could see the beads of sweat forming on his brow
As he started to shake

He stared at the empty Frigidaire
Looked at me and slapped me on the butt
He said, "If I don't get me some Old Milwaukee soon,
I'm afraid I'm gonna bust a gut"

He handed me a pack of Trojans
And said "These are gonna have to do
I'm not sure if they'll be much help
They expired in '82"

It seemed like somebody else was talkin'
Sayin' "Daddy, who do I screw?"
He said, "Go for the older women, son,
They'll show you what to do"

He said, "Here's your one chance Pansy, don't let me down"
Here's your one chance Pansy, don't let me down
Lord, forgive me for what I be
But if you close your eyes, you won't have to see
So don't screw it up now
Your Daddy's kickin' your ass uptown

Well that was the last time I saw my pa
When I left that aluminum shed
He bought himself a case of rotgut whiskey
And he drank it 'til he was dead

But by then my lot in life was set
And for me there was no second chance
And it wasn't too long 'til my ass started hurtin'
From those goddamn Spandex pants

Well I knew what I had to do
And so I made myself this solemn vow
I was gonna have sex with women
Instead of the neighbors' old brown cow

'Cause I couldn't see spending the rest of my life
With my head hangin' down so low
I mighta been born just plain white trash
But now I'm just a gigolo

Here's your one chance Pansy, don't let me down
Here's your one chance Pansy, don't let me down

Then one day this rich old lady
Took me into her home
I spent six days a week satisfyin' her needs
And the seventh one mowin' her lawn

Well I charmed her bridge club, cleaned her dentures
And gave her poodle a bath
And when the old gal died she left me everything
Including her thirteen cats
But that ain't so bad...

Now in this world there's a lotta self-righteous hypocrites
Who think I'm queer
And they criticize Daddy for sellin' me out
Though he needed the money for beer

Though I ain't had nothin' to worry about
For fifteen years or more
I can still hear my Daddy desperately beggin'
For credit at the liquor store

He said, "Here's your one chance Pansy, don't let me down"
Here's your one chance Pansy, don't let me down
Lord, forgive me for what I be
But if you close your eyes, you won't have to see
So don't screw it up now
Your Daddy's kickin' your ass uptown, boy!
An' I reckon he did...