There's a hundred more not-dumb ways
To steal all those Blu-Rays
Than to loosen your belt to
Stash the goods away
Hard to do that with real discretion
All their heads are gonna je-erk
And their rectangular edges
Against your crotch will hurt

I've seen you shoplift other
Things in this foolish wa-ay
Prolific trouser stuffer from chainsaws to cakes
To unwrapped, raw steak

You've got to quit this method, please
They see through it, I'm afraid
Know you're not happy to see them
You've go-ot an Xbox down there, mate
Why not a bag or a ba-ackpack to stash it?
Or bribe a worker to stay mum?
Don't try to leave with things stowed in your pants
As a pla-an, it's simply-y dumb, don't be a pra-at
This method's cra-ap

Must you cram a dozen live toads
In your tight jeans so blue?
You're lucky that they lacked poison
That dog you nicked is too
Just a single airline inspection
Would find a cache so i-insa-a-ane
The items stolen are standard
Location's inane

Surely must be some other
Improvised holdin' pla-ace
So easily discovered that you dared to take
Sev'ral freaked out snakes

When I asked you to steal for me
You said that you'd leave no trace
This is the total opposite
Whole i-internet's mockin' you, mate
Even if you tried to hi-ide from the cam'ras
Or people watchin' in dazed shock
How is your first instinct "stow in my pants"?
No surpri-ise even ma-all cops saw through that pla-an
'Twas kind of ba-ad
Goods smell o-of pa-ants

Buddy, please, don't stow things in your pants
Won't you please not stow things in your pants
They're too-oo close to your butt, I don't want tha-at
Come on, please, don't stow things in your pants
It's kind of sa-ad
Look a freak with things stowed in your pants