Twas the binge during Halloween
And all through the house
We all were disrobing
With candy we doused
The trash bags were dumped
On the carpet in prayer
That crap loads of Tootsie rolls
Would not be there

The candy was hustled
Nerds for M&Ms
While piles of apricots
All tossed in spreads
And Bubba in his overalls
And I in my cap
Had just swapped out Reeses
We both hate that crap

When out on the lawn
There arouse such a splatter
I ran up the stairs
To see what was the matter
Away from the front porch
They flew like a flash
My pumpkins in shatters
My lawn full of trash

The moon on this mess
That stench seemed to glow
Gave mutters of plotting
Against our new foes
When what should my wandering eyes should appear
But a few trick-or-treaters
Who were trashed on cheep beer

With the stumbling fool
So drunken and sick
I thought in a moment
"This should do the trick"
More rancid than beetles
A flock of them came
Drunks threw up and shouted and yelled out their names
"I'm Flasher!
I'm Dixie!
I'm Cancer!
I'm Vixen!
I'm Vomit!
I'm Stupid!
I'm Boner!
I'm Fixen!"

From my front porch I talked to them all
"Now thrash away!
Thrash away!
Thrash away sprawl!!!"

They dry heaved all before
They took off all spry
And they charge down those damn punks
And kicked in the thighs
So down to their house block
A gory scene grew
With smashed Almond Joys
And some Smarties too

And then with a tinkling
I felt from my roof
A jackas* was whizzing
His pants down the goof
As I drew in my hand
A baseball from the ground
I heard him scream, "Mommy!!!"
As he was Earth-Bound

He was dressed as a monk
From bald head to his foot
And his robes were all torn up
From climbing near soot
A bag full of food he hand thrown on his back
And he looked like a robber
Who needed a smack

His eyes- How they're blood shot
His pimples- How many
As* cheeks were all frozen
And turned around Jenny
He drooled on the ground
And he mouthed out, "No!"
As we beat him till his eyes
Were black from our blows

A plastic flashlight
He held tight in his reach
But the fight was too easy
With us and this leach
We kicked in the side
And yelled, "Get already!"
He shook to a stand
And raced off, unsteady

All these dummies, and punks
College kids who all helped
And I laughed as they returned
As they bowed and belched
A wink in one eye
And a nod of a head
Soon gave me to know
That those kids were now dead

They spoke not a word
They were done with their work
So dug through their bags
And chowed down their girth
And drinking some liquor
With all of their hoes
And giving a *hic*
Down my driveway they go

And still to this day
Cops don't know who's their killer
All they just know
Is that they had some liquor
So I warn you today
When you go out at night
"Don't make messes at all, and you'll do alright"